GM, GM.... Fuck you in the face!

[vertigo]

This is not my first rant about GM vehicles. Doubt it'll be my last....
So, months ago a few of you may remember me bitching about the spark plug replacement on the lady's 99 Yukon. Well...this is worse. Much, much fricking worse.

Last Sunday we went to my dad's place for lunch to celebrate his new job as the Administrator of Ripley. Go to leave, the Yukon starts, coughs, dies. Just keeps turning over, no fire. Guess what I don't hear? That's right, boys and girls, the fuel pump. Did I mention that we filled the big bastard the day before? Well, we did. 30 freaking gallons.

Not a huge deal, we borrow his crew cab, take the little man home, and I return to diagnose. Is it a fuse? Nope. Is it the relay? Couldn't be that lucky. That's right, the damned pump decided to take a dump. Here we fucking go.... Now I get to find a pump at a non-ass-rapey price, and find a home for 30 gallons of Saudi Arabia's finest.

Tuesday I pick up the pump from my buddy who owns a junkyard for a $50, and it's the aftermarket replacement. How do I know? Because the plugs are different. Why wouldn't the logs be the same, Scott? Great question. It's because GM hates us. All of us. Now comes the fun part of siphoning. No, I didn't suck it out. I have a horrible gag reflex, so I'd be a terrible gay guy. But every siphon bulb/pump has a 3'-4' hose. Which doesn't get you from the filler neck to the tank. This stupid tube goes from the gas door to the center of the truck, curves back forward, up and into the tank. A little over 4' of filler tube. Well, fuck me.

Have I mentioned I'm on my back doing this on the shop floor? That's right, even in my Brown County Tuxedo (Carhartt jacket and heavy coveralls), I'm freezing my nuts off, so at least I can save money on condoms.

Let's fast forward through many, many hours of freezing, smoking and cussing. I get the tank most of the way down, and it's held up by a single emissions tube with plastic clips that don't want to release. Then, the whole operation gets more enjoyable: the 3-tanks of fuel old, 70,000 btu heater flames out. It will fire back up, pulsate and blow itself out. So after a fuel run for more kerosene, same result. Sheeeeiiiiit....

What's the bottom line here? The Yukon is still up in the air, the heater still doesn't work, and not only does GM hate as much as I hate them, it seems God is on their side.

Why couldn't she have bought the Expedition?

[NXcoupe]

Well that sucks! But I did get a chuckle out of your rant tho. Doubt that makes you feel any better! I've been there myself, it sucks! At least once it's over, chances are you won't own it long enough to have to do it again.

[vertigo]

The rant was for me to bitch and everyone else to laugh at. I do get the satisfaction of listening to her gripe about how small my Santa Fe is. This from the woman who sold her Cobalt for the Yukon. Because those are comparable in size to a Crown Vic.... We only have one kid!!! WTF do we need 3 rows of seating for?!?

[SN95N/A]

Good luck!some good reading there lmao!

[redfirepearlgt]

Brown County Tuxedo. BRU_HA_FRIKIN HA! Now that's funny right there.

[draggin50]

Haha! That was good reading!! Sucks though cause I know exactly how that goes! When I worked at the local GM dealership, it seemed like every fuel pump R&R was done with a full tank of gas. Don't know why but that was about 90% of them.

Good luck getting it fixed. I feel for ya!

[vertigo]

Haha! That was good reading!! Sucks though cause I know exactly how that goes! When I worked at the local GM dealership, it seemed like every fuel pump R&R was done with a full tank of gas. Don't know why but that was about 90% of them.

Good luck getting it fixed. I feel for ya!
Thanks! Got any tips here? That damned emissions or pressure line on the front of the tank.....Grrrrrr

[draggin50]

Youtube has a couple video's that may help out.

[vertigo]

Youtube has a couple video's that may help out.
That was my first stop. I guess it's a lot easier with a lift and an ambient temperature above 17 degrees.

[draggin50]

Oh yeah Im sure that helps! I think most people disconnect the line further forward.

[vertigo]

Alright, thanks. I'll try and see how viable that option is. Some inbred HillJack routed new brake lines in that same area.

[vertigo]

Let's revisit this pile of garbage again, shall we? I figured since it was warmer today, I'd put on my formal wear and see about the Yukon. Got the tank down. YAY!
http://i1308.photobucket.com/albums/s612/VertigoXr7/image_zpsacaa4945.jpg (http://s1308.photobucket.com/user/VertigoXr7/media/image_zpsacaa4945.jpg.html)

I'm excited, and decide I'm going to see this shitbox drive tonight. I run home real quick, kiss the baby, kick the wife and grab some odds and ends from AutoZone. I get back to the shop, turn on the music and start monkeying with the locking ring. First knock with the hammer and it's loose. Awesome! This thing owes me some love, so I'm ready to collect. Wait... Shouldn't this take a few more swings to get to the safety lock? WTF?
Well, guess what, boys and girls... The Yukon's idea of giving me love is to fuck me. Right in my butthole. No dinner, no drinks, no cocaine or promises of Hollywood acting gigs... Just straight to pounding my cornhole, and not even being courteous enough to give me a reach-around. Damn, I hate this pig.

[vertigo]

That's right, class: With that one swing, I managed to break not one, but all 4 of the tabs that hold the locking ring down over the fuel pump. Every. Single. Freaking. One. So now I'm in a bind. Do I try for a junkyard tank? Or do I see if LMC has just that part? Or do I JB Weld this fucker down and just sell it?
I get myself into more shit that I don't enjoy.

I had better get this new job I interviewed and drug tested for. I'll pay a motherfucker to do this kind of shit. I'm getting too old, too angry and too damned cold.

[vertigo]

http://i1308.photobucket.com/albums/s612/VertigoXr7/image_zps0ea4a436.jpg (http://s1308.photobucket.com/user/VertigoXr7/media/image_zps0ea4a436.jpg.html)

3 of the 4 tabs still there.

[vertigo]

http://i1308.photobucket.com/albums/s612/VertigoXr7/image_zpsb1be7020.jpg (http://s1308.photobucket.com/user/VertigoXr7/media/image_zpsb1be7020.jpg.html)

Is there anything else to be said?

[draggin50]

Damn! No luck at all! Damn GM products!!!

[mustang8998]

Guess you could have it towed to Pep Boys!

[vertigo]

Guess you could have it towed to Pep Boys!
I laughed so hard at this, I almost peed! I'm gonna redneck it, and use self-tappers.

[draggin50]

Self tappers fix anything! Well that and duct tape!

[NXcoupe]

Lol, get r done son. I've been wearing my tuxedo all this week, frickin cold weather.

[vertigo]

Lol, get r done son. I've been wearing my tuxedo all this week, frickin cold weather.

Hell yeah! We need to officially change it to "Stangbangerz Tuxedos!" Or, SBZ formal wear.

[vertigo]

Self tappers fix anything! Well that and duct tape!

If those don't work, Gorilla Glue might! Those 3 should cover all of our adhering needs!

[mustang8998]

What about that "Great Stuff"....I think that was the sealant used on an intake gasket, a member here used and had the whole front of the car lifted up, with a hoist. There was a video, but I can't find it. Can't remember who it was, either. Funny as hell, if anyone remembers it.

[vertigo]

Well, I didn't try the Great Stuff, but the self-tappers seem to have done the trick.
I lubed the sealing ring, which seemed a bit ironic since it didn't lube ME last night, put the locking ring in place, and slowly tightened the four of them like a set of lug nuts.
Then I had to wire in the new plug, since GM hates me, which was fun without a diagram, and 2 black wires. Had to come home early so she could go see her grandfather at Anderson Mercy.
Hope to be back on it tonight, and have it running. Now she's talking about trading it for something like my Santa Fe. Go freaking figure.

[Rick93coupe]

What about that "Great Stuff"....I think that was the sealant used on an intake gasket, a member here used and had the whole front of the car lifted up, with a hoist. There was a video, but I can't find it. Can't remember who it was, either. Funny as hell, if anyone remembers it.

That was Kevin. All the bolts out and he was still able to pull the front end off the ground by the upper!

[mustang8998]

Yeah, that's the one, Rick!

[vertigo]

Let the saga continue....

Got the pump secured in, replaced the pump relay (just in case), hooked up the fuel lines and plugged the pump in, raised the tank a bit so I can see any leaks. I reconnected the battery and crawl back underneath. I have my buddy turn the key on and.......nothing. Cue the crickets chirping. I tell him to turn it off, and I decide to mechanically agitate it. By "mechanically agitate" I of course mean, smack the ever-loving monkey shit out of the bottom of the tank. Try again....nada. Son of a bitch.
So, now what? I have the tank supported, yet it's not level, and may have 5 gallons in it. Is there something that senses the fuel level being empty that keeps the pump from getting power?
This sucks so bad, I may tow it to Pep Boys.

[draggin50]

Shouldn't be a sensor or anything that would cause it. You try jumping it with the battery to make sure the pump work?

[vertigo]

No. No I didn't. I have no diagram to operate from, just the basics from a Tahoe/Yukon forum. I have no clue what wire powers what. 2 wires are black, so the ground is anybody's guess. The factory plug has "A, B, C, D" on each terminal, the new one has "A" at one end, "D" at the other. So I went with that.

[vertigo]

I don't know why I just now thought of this: Would an obd2 scanner pull up anything besides "Misfire" or anything emissions?

[vertigo]

I win! I beat the stupid Yukon! Got a day off from the dealership, it was beautiful out, so I went ahead and kicked the GMC's anus! F-U, GM! I win!!!!

[2Fast4You]

Congrats