dedpedal
01-13-2009, 08:53 AM
to Poo at work. Read on your own time.....
To: "cherisue268@yahoo.com" <cherisue268@yahoo.com>
Date: Tuesday, October 28, 2008, 2:07 PM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back
in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much
as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable.
For those who hate pooping at work, the following is the Survival Guide
for taking a dump at work. –
'CROP DUSTING'
When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not
in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't know where it
came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart
has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left
your pants.
-
'FLY BY'
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for
other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back
again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
-
'ESCAPEE'
A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop in a stall.
This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you
release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If
you are a man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend
you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for
all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
-
'JAILBREAK'
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This
is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should
happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the
bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
-
'COURTESY FLUSH'
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This
reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom.
This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
-
'WALK OF SHAME'
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just
stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend
that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the
COURTESY FLUSH.
-
'OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER'
A colleague who poops at work and is doggone proud of it. You will often
see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or
magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of
The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
-
'THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)' A group of co-workers who band
together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This
group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet
Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
-
'SAFE HAVENS'
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least
expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.
This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
-
'TURD BURGLAR'
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to
force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable
moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs,
remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will
avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
-
'CAMO-COUGH'
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you
are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert
potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with a
SHIRLEY TEMPLE.
-
'SHIRLEY TEMPLE'
A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that
you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is
occupied. If you hear a SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave the bathroom immediately
so the pooper can poop in peace.
-
'WATERMELON'
A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is
also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on,
create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
-
'HAVANA-OMELET'
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet
water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with a
SHIRLEY TEMPLE.
-
'AUNT BETTY'
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever . .. . could spend
extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot.
An AUNT BETTY makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you
should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you
as well as the other bathroom attendees
-
SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF: 'The King Poop' This kind
is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It doesn't ' t come until you '
re all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.
-
'Bali Belly Poop'
You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.
-
'Cement Block'
You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.
-
'Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop)'
-
Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. How do I get
rid of it? This poop usuallyhappens at someone else ' s house.
-
'The Bungee Poop'
The kind of poop that just hangs off your rear before it falls into the
water.
-
'The Crippler'
The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs
go numb from the waist down.
-
'The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang'
The kind of poop that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a
traffic jam.
-
'The Party Pooper'
The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you
watch in horror as the water starts to rise
To: "cherisue268@yahoo.com" <cherisue268@yahoo.com>
Date: Tuesday, October 28, 2008, 2:07 PM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back
in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much
as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable.
For those who hate pooping at work, the following is the Survival Guide
for taking a dump at work. –
'CROP DUSTING'
When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not
in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't know where it
came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart
has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left
your pants.
-
'FLY BY'
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for
other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back
again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
-
'ESCAPEE'
A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop in a stall.
This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you
release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If
you are a man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend
you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for
all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
-
'JAILBREAK'
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This
is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should
happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the
bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
-
'COURTESY FLUSH'
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This
reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom.
This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
-
'WALK OF SHAME'
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just
stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend
that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the
COURTESY FLUSH.
-
'OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER'
A colleague who poops at work and is doggone proud of it. You will often
see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or
magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of
The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
-
'THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)' A group of co-workers who band
together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This
group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet
Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
-
'SAFE HAVENS'
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least
expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.
This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
-
'TURD BURGLAR'
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to
force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable
moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs,
remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will
avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
-
'CAMO-COUGH'
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you
are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert
potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with a
SHIRLEY TEMPLE.
-
'SHIRLEY TEMPLE'
A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that
you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is
occupied. If you hear a SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave the bathroom immediately
so the pooper can poop in peace.
-
'WATERMELON'
A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is
also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on,
create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
-
'HAVANA-OMELET'
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet
water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with a
SHIRLEY TEMPLE.
-
'AUNT BETTY'
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever . .. . could spend
extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot.
An AUNT BETTY makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you
should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you
as well as the other bathroom attendees
-
SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF: 'The King Poop' This kind
is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It doesn't ' t come until you '
re all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.
-
'Bali Belly Poop'
You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.
-
'Cement Block'
You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.
-
'Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop)'
-
Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. How do I get
rid of it? This poop usuallyhappens at someone else ' s house.
-
'The Bungee Poop'
The kind of poop that just hangs off your rear before it falls into the
water.
-
'The Crippler'
The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs
go numb from the waist down.
-
'The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang'
The kind of poop that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a
traffic jam.
-
'The Party Pooper'
The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you
watch in horror as the water starts to rise