dedpedal
07-15-2008, 06:59 PM
Well, it started out as any normal day would, the sun came up the cats wanted food and I had to go to work. Little did I know at the time how messed up my day would become. I had to be to a work site early on a Monday no less. I made it there just on time, unloaded my tools and materials and began looking around for a parking space. I found one about 4 blocks away and parked my van. On the walk back I was approached by a pair of women who appeared to be in their late fourties. The closer they got, the worse they looked. Scabbed over sores around their mouths and faces, stringy dirty hair and more tattoos in the wrong places than a misplaced hillbilly. I neglected to mention that the worksite was in downtown Hamilton. I should have been ready for the eventual meeting that took place on the sidewalk under the bridge but I guess the shock was too much for my fragile little mind. The first one said good morning in a friendly enough manner, then winked her eye (the one that wasnt swelled shut and turning purple) at me. As I stumbled through a return greeting of proper politeness her friend asked if I had a girlfriend. I stammerede out a negative response just in time to hear the words "Want one for an hour" tumble past her scabbed lips. I was in no way going to get any closer so I politely said no and kept walking.
I arrived back on the job a few minutes later with my zipper intact and mind relieved. I could only imagine what drugs these women were inducing to make themselves look so badly. The day went without incident untill later that afternoon when I had to make a run to feed quarters into the parking meter. I got out to the van and opened the door to retrieve some change from the coin box I keep there for such occassions. I left the door open so I could get a drink after I pumped my silver tiddly winks into the meter. With the door open and the van pulled against a building wall, there was a small spot of privacy from the street. As soon as I began feeding the meter, I heard a voice behind me asking "Do you want a girlfriend for an hour?". I turned to see what could be considered the ugliest female on the planet. No teeth, ratty blonde hair and a shirt that couldnt contain her oversized chest melons. Once upon a time, she might have been somewhat attractive, but the years of heavy drug abuse had taken its toll. I politely declined and asked her to vacate when the door was slammed shut by one of Hamiltuckys finest police officers. Could it get any worse? Sure. You know how my luck runs.
The ride to the police station was very informative. I now know her name (Laquisha) where shes from (Nevada) and why shes here now (drugs). I also know that theres a good sized ticket for solicitation and a manditory sex addiction class that goes with it.At the police officers station, I was awarded the pleasure (?) of a strip search and a full body cavity search. Im thinking that the particular officer in charge of that operation was a bit on the sadistic side. I felt like I had crapped a basketball that was still attached to Magic Johnson. The delousing was next. I swear this guy must have been brothers with Dr Hook, the butt prospector. He doused me, housed me and deloused me, all in the same room. I thought I was going to die in jail before Id see an attourney or a judge when the pretrial lawyer showed up . I plead guilty and paid my way out to freedom. I caught a cab back to the jobsite and finnished with the cops advice ringing in my ears "You beter get checked out by a doctor soon, Laquisha has more infections than Europe during the Black Plague.".
Heading the cops advice I made an emergincy call to my doctor and arranged to see him on the last appointment of the day. I related my experiance of the afternoon to him and waited to see what tests he would want to run on my blood. Im terrified of needles and Id heard some of the methods that they use to aquire samples to test for different diseases and about fainted just thinking about it. When he said pis in the cup, I was so relieved that I almost pissed my pants. I went into the little room, pissed in the cup and handed it over to him. He went to another room and left me in the exam room with a bunch of girly magazines. I was about to get menstrual cramps from reading Cosmo when he returned and proudly told me that the only thing he could find was a case of tennis elbow. He presribed a muscle rubto cope with the elbow (which until this point I hadnt noticed) and sent me on my way.
As I was driving home, I got to thinking. "How could that doctor know that from a simple urine test?" So I decided to have him run the test again. I called and made an appointment for the next day. He said he was busy but I could drop off a sample and he would get to it by the days end and call me with the results. The next morning, I pissed in a cup and sealed it to drop off when an idea popped in my head. I was gonna mess with that doctor. I called my wife over and had HER piss in the cup. Then at breakfast, I saw the cat sneaking into his litter box so HE got to piss in the cup. On my morning walk with the dog, I waited till he hiked his leg and HE pissed in the cup. I also had my son and step daughter add their urine to the piss salad I was going to deliver. Just to add some icing on the cake, I whipped up a batch of baby gravy and shot THAT into the cup. I had an evil grin on my face all the way to the doctors office. I managed to get serious long enought to drop it off and make it to work in time to clock in before the bell went off. Around lunch time that day, I got the call from the doctor.I expected it to be funny so I put the call on speakerphone so all my friends could hear. "I have the results from your urine." He said. I could detect a note of sarcasm in his voice. "You have some serious problems. "He said. I told him to spill it and now I wish I hadnt put him on speakerphone.
Without even the slightest bit of enthusiasm, he proceded to tell me and all my friends " Your wife is having premenopausal hotflashes, your cat is going to have pupps, your dog has rabies, youre going to be a grand dad to a kid who wont know Uncle Dad from Aunt Mom and if you dont quit jacking off, youre never giong to get rid of that tennis elbow.
I think its time for me to quit messing with my doctor....
I arrived back on the job a few minutes later with my zipper intact and mind relieved. I could only imagine what drugs these women were inducing to make themselves look so badly. The day went without incident untill later that afternoon when I had to make a run to feed quarters into the parking meter. I got out to the van and opened the door to retrieve some change from the coin box I keep there for such occassions. I left the door open so I could get a drink after I pumped my silver tiddly winks into the meter. With the door open and the van pulled against a building wall, there was a small spot of privacy from the street. As soon as I began feeding the meter, I heard a voice behind me asking "Do you want a girlfriend for an hour?". I turned to see what could be considered the ugliest female on the planet. No teeth, ratty blonde hair and a shirt that couldnt contain her oversized chest melons. Once upon a time, she might have been somewhat attractive, but the years of heavy drug abuse had taken its toll. I politely declined and asked her to vacate when the door was slammed shut by one of Hamiltuckys finest police officers. Could it get any worse? Sure. You know how my luck runs.
The ride to the police station was very informative. I now know her name (Laquisha) where shes from (Nevada) and why shes here now (drugs). I also know that theres a good sized ticket for solicitation and a manditory sex addiction class that goes with it.At the police officers station, I was awarded the pleasure (?) of a strip search and a full body cavity search. Im thinking that the particular officer in charge of that operation was a bit on the sadistic side. I felt like I had crapped a basketball that was still attached to Magic Johnson. The delousing was next. I swear this guy must have been brothers with Dr Hook, the butt prospector. He doused me, housed me and deloused me, all in the same room. I thought I was going to die in jail before Id see an attourney or a judge when the pretrial lawyer showed up . I plead guilty and paid my way out to freedom. I caught a cab back to the jobsite and finnished with the cops advice ringing in my ears "You beter get checked out by a doctor soon, Laquisha has more infections than Europe during the Black Plague.".
Heading the cops advice I made an emergincy call to my doctor and arranged to see him on the last appointment of the day. I related my experiance of the afternoon to him and waited to see what tests he would want to run on my blood. Im terrified of needles and Id heard some of the methods that they use to aquire samples to test for different diseases and about fainted just thinking about it. When he said pis in the cup, I was so relieved that I almost pissed my pants. I went into the little room, pissed in the cup and handed it over to him. He went to another room and left me in the exam room with a bunch of girly magazines. I was about to get menstrual cramps from reading Cosmo when he returned and proudly told me that the only thing he could find was a case of tennis elbow. He presribed a muscle rubto cope with the elbow (which until this point I hadnt noticed) and sent me on my way.
As I was driving home, I got to thinking. "How could that doctor know that from a simple urine test?" So I decided to have him run the test again. I called and made an appointment for the next day. He said he was busy but I could drop off a sample and he would get to it by the days end and call me with the results. The next morning, I pissed in a cup and sealed it to drop off when an idea popped in my head. I was gonna mess with that doctor. I called my wife over and had HER piss in the cup. Then at breakfast, I saw the cat sneaking into his litter box so HE got to piss in the cup. On my morning walk with the dog, I waited till he hiked his leg and HE pissed in the cup. I also had my son and step daughter add their urine to the piss salad I was going to deliver. Just to add some icing on the cake, I whipped up a batch of baby gravy and shot THAT into the cup. I had an evil grin on my face all the way to the doctors office. I managed to get serious long enought to drop it off and make it to work in time to clock in before the bell went off. Around lunch time that day, I got the call from the doctor.I expected it to be funny so I put the call on speakerphone so all my friends could hear. "I have the results from your urine." He said. I could detect a note of sarcasm in his voice. "You have some serious problems. "He said. I told him to spill it and now I wish I hadnt put him on speakerphone.
Without even the slightest bit of enthusiasm, he proceded to tell me and all my friends " Your wife is having premenopausal hotflashes, your cat is going to have pupps, your dog has rabies, youre going to be a grand dad to a kid who wont know Uncle Dad from Aunt Mom and if you dont quit jacking off, youre never giong to get rid of that tennis elbow.
I think its time for me to quit messing with my doctor....