Looking for a little advice.

[beefcake]

So, my 19yr old is getting married in a few months.

Her boyfriend comes back from bootcamp and they are getting married. Originally the plan was for them to wait til she finished school, and he got out of the corps.

She dropped this on me the other day, and I kinda felt it coming. The thing I didn't see coming was her asking me to if I minded if her stepfather walked her down the aisle also.

Of course I said whatever makes her happy. Now, the more i've been thinking about this, the more it bothers me. I can't ever remember being at a wedding where 2 people were giving the daughter away, other than the mother and father.

Me and my ex had her young. I've always been around. Me and her mother got married when she was 2 to try to give it a whirl, didn't work out, we really weren't in love. Of course we were going at it like jack rabbits and after we had split up she had called me a month later to tell me we were having another child.

Anyway. We were both in long term relationships. I always saw my daughter, my 2nd wife whom I was with from 20 to 27 always treated the girls good. My ex had a dead beat boyfriend for about 6 years or so, coke head, in and out of jail, just a loser, and they had a child. When they were together though, I always heard the "He's there father too."

Her and her husband now have been together around 7 or 8 years and me and my wife have been together for 10 years. We also have 2 little ones.

So, I know were an integrated family. But, it's not like they included my wife on any of the wedding plans or anything. And, I'm wondering if it was her mother that planted this seed in her head.

The more I think about it, I feel like I'll come off as one of those dead beat dads to everyone. And, I feel it's my right as i've been there her whole life, not just part time.

We've always had a decent relationship, 17 was rocky because she started smoking and I chastised her for it, and of course her mom and step dad (smokers) eventually started condoning it which just made it worse on me because I would have nothing to do with it. Other than that, all has been well and all is well now.

So, my dilema is, do I just suck it up. Or, do I explain to her how I feel. It's her wedding, I want her to be happy, but at the same time, I dont' want her mom or other people influencing her decision.

ugh, what to do,

any input from people in a similar situation would be great.

Sorry for the ramble.

[Sharad]

my gut feeling is, it's HER day... you don't want to make it hard on her. But yeah, it's F-ed up. Someday you'll get a chance to tell her how you feel about it.

[aperacer]

i think... and take it as it is... you want your kids to honest with you so i think its only fair that you be honest with them... and you dont want to regret this years from now...not having told her how you feel.... and if all goes right you only get one chance at this...my .02 worth

[beefcake]

i think... and take it as it is... you want your kids to honest with you so i think its only fair that you be honest with them... and you dont want to regret this years from now...not having told her how you feel.... and if all goes right you only get one chance at this...my .02 worth

thats my thing, it's like, okay, so what if 1 year, 5 years whatever down the road, her mom gets another husband, then i feel like i lost out on something, don't get me wrong, i think this one is tons better than her last choice, and I've never really had issues, but it's not like her last guy who was "their father too" is going to be their,

i've always been there, and always will be

[REDHOTGTGIRL]

Here's what I said on FOMF:

That is a tough one. Honestly, it sounds like she is trying to make everyone happy, which is why she asked if it was okay for both of you to walk her down the aisle. Is she close to her step-dad? It is possible her mom said something to her, but she may have decided this on her own. You could try talking to her, but I would approach it with the attitude of telling her how it makes you feel and try to understand why she wants to do it that way. I wouldn't try and persuade her to change it. Weddings do funny things to people, especially brides and their parents. I have heard of people having different people walk them down the aisle, especially with blended families. Sometimes a step dad will walk the bride down halfway then her father will take her down the rest of the way and do the traditional "who gives this woman away" stuff. It is her wedding though and she should be able to do things the way she wants and it sounds like she is just trying to integrate all of her family.

I would suggest doing it that way so you still get to do your fatherly duties on your own.

[95turbocharged]

I would sit her down a talk to her about how you feel, no matter what it is up to her, but we all want our kids to come and be able to talk to us no matter what. just let her know that you will go with what she really wants. you will need to be able to stand the decision that she makes even if its not what you want and honesty is always the best policy.

[Paul408Notch]

She wants to get married at 19? Wow. I still think the marriage age should be raised to 25, but that's just my own opinion.

I've seen ceremonies where a girl has dad and stepdad walk her down the aisle. If the stepdad is a good guy, and she's around him every day, I don't really see why it wouldn't be ok. Whatever happens, it should be her decision though. Weddings are stressful enough without having to deal with angry relatives too.

[MADMOD]

i think... and take it as it is... you want your kids to honest with you so i think its only fair that you be honest with them... and you dont want to regret this years from now...not having told her how you feel.... and if all goes right you only get one chance at this...my .02 worth


I agree. Tell her how you feel and be honest. I think in the end she will respect you for it

[Black Horse]

Your daughter must feel like a very fortunate person to have TWO significant male role models in her life! While she may be asking for the dual escort to make both of you happy, I would be honored to just have the opportunity to be able to still take that level of participation in my daughter's celebration. Enjoy it, be proud and love her like you do!

Besides...if the new husband gives her any shit down the road he will have TWO father's-in-law to deal with that will be ready to kick him in the ass.

[99Slobra]

Yeah had some friends that got married a few years go with the same situation.

Tradition won out. Dad walked her down the aisle.

Honestly the only reason he should walk her down the aisle is you weren't in the picture at all or dead.

[beefcake]

Yeah had some friends that got married a few years go with the same situation.

Tradition won out. Dad walked her down the aisle.

Honestly the only reason he should walk her down the aisle is you weren't in the picture at all or dead.

i spoke to her today and thats what i told her

he's already had his kids get married, (he's about 10 years older) and I told her that he should understand.

I told her i will respect whatever decision she makes, but that I understood she was trying to please everyone, but that I was a little upset / hurt.

[MrsAPE]

That hubby of mine is one smart dude! Who knew?! :eek:
I say tell her how you feel but support whatever decision she decides to do and make sure she knows that when you tell her. (as I know you will anyways)
When smart hubby and I got married my dad didn't come because my mom was there with her husband. My brother walked me down. But the decision was my dads. I wish he had walked me down but he made that choice and in the end, it worked out just fine.
Short story version..talk to her!! Good luck!

[Black92LX]

Tough situation Terry.

Granted I am not a father but I am in the midst of attempting to help plan my wedding (though it seems all the tasks I a given get jacked up)

I come from a Step-parent situation as well. The thing that we are finding and makes it very tough on us is everyone wants a say in what goes on.
My fiance is having trouble because she doesn't want to upset anyone so she lets go of what she really wants to make others happy.

As you stated it sounds like there is a little prodding from the mother to have the step dad walk her as well.
I would talk to her and see what she really wants and encourage her to go with that.
You will always be her father, no one can take that away from you. Even if that means someone else helps walk her down the aisle. (will you both be answering the clergy when they ask who gives this girl away???? if so that would be a little strange) but if it's just escorting her down the aisle and that is what she truly wants then is there really harm??

On a side note, it sounds as if the boy did not come and ask your blessing first. That would be my main problem.

[Rabnud]

Sounds odd... from what I know of traditional weddings, the father "gives" away his daughter by walking her down the isle. I would talk to her openly and honestly... but, just keep in mind... it's -her- day... not anyone elses... not even the soon to be hubby! haha

just talk to her bro... best advice.

[PaulFiveOh]

Just remember, 19 year old girls are so volatile and your sincere intentions may be misinterpreted.

What was her reaction to what you told her?

[PonymanfiveO]

I still think the marriage age should be raised to 25, but that's just my own opinion.




thank you.

[1byafender]

I here everyone saying its her day, but what about dads day. That is a very emotional and wonderful day for him also. Why share.

[Buckeye]

Don't raise a big fuss about it but you owe it to yourself to at least tell her you don't like it and whould rather it just be you. Once you told her then live with what she picks as the only thing forcing it will do is hurt feelings and you still will most likely not get your way

[MsBlkramair]

19 and married? That right there is a bad thing......she needs to live life first. She needs to go to school and he needs to go into the service without a wife. They both will regret their decision in the long run. My 2 cents. Been there, done that....got pregnant on the honeymoon.

Next is the walking her down the aisle thing. I have a feeling that her mother has put the kabosh on things, that's why she needs you to be ok with the step-dad. i would bet that mom wants her huby to be just as much a part of it as you are, and the daughter doesn't want a fight, so she is trying to make EVERYONE happy. Unfortunately, not realizing that it is hurting you a lot.

TALK to your daughter. Find out what the rush to get married is. Are they planning to move with the military immediately or something? School should be her priority at 19.

[Greg Seibert]

19 is very young to be getting married.
Those two young people have a long life ahead of them.
The boyfriend will change after boot, gaining maturity and character. Then, after serving, will change even more.
Will your daughter be ready for this?
Time for a talk. I've been there!

I know you Beefcake, and everyone else on here that does, would agree you are a level headed, sincere, good person.
This situation is very difficult to give advice on, but here goes.
I would talk this over with the Stepdad, and see how he feels.
Would he do this with his daughter if the roles were changed? Would he like this?
Keeping peace in the extended family is of the upmost importance.
You need to consider this in your decision.
I 've never been to a wedding where this happened.
I would not have the bride walk down the isle with anyone but her real dad.:)

[Dipstick]

I think I can give you some insight on the situation. When me and my wife got married last year we had the same situation. She wanted both of them to walk her down the isle and thats how it went! Her dad ultimately gave her away but her step-father walked with her and her dad down the isle. Everyone that attended thought that was the coolest thing to do.

[USMCPONY]

Terry 80% of military marriages end in divorce.

[Waffles]

And, I'm wondering if it was her mother that planted this seed in her head.


Likely yes. Roll with it anyway. Who cares how you come off to everyone else? It shouldn't be their opinions that matter. Be the big man. Smile and work with it.

[Black92LX]

Any update Terry?

[beefcake]

Any update Terry?

guess we'll see in a month or so lol

[92StangMan]

She's 19 and he's in the military? Sad to say but I'm sure this will not be the only time she walks down the isle.

[MsBlkramair]

She's 19 and he's in the military? Sad to say but I'm sure this will not be the only time she walks down the isle.

ouch! but you are probably right.