96mysticman
06-10-2008, 04:08 PM
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
NAME_____________________________________
DATE OF BIRTH_____________
HEIGHT_______ WEIGHT_______ IQ_________ GPA________
SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________
DRIVERS LICENSE #________________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES_______________________________
ADDRESS___________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______
Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: __________________________________________________ ______
__________________________________________________ ______
Number of years they have been married ____________
If less than your age, explain
__________________________________________________ ______
__________________________________________________ ______
ACCESSORIES SECTION:
A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No
B. A truck with oversized tires? __ Yes __No
C. A waterbed? __Yes __No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No
E. A tattoo? __Yes __No
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?
(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE
APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST
RUNNING.)
ESSAY SECTION:
In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?
*****_____________________________________________ ___________
__________________________________________________ ______
__________________________________________________ ______
In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER'mean to you?
__________________________________________________ ______
__________________________________________________ ______
In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?
__________________________________________________ ______
__________________________________________________ ______
__________________________________________________ ______
REFERENCES SECTION:
Church you attend _________________________________________
How often you attend __________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
father? _____________
mother? _____________
pastor? _____________
SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:
__________________________________________________ ______
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
__________________________________________________ ______
C: A woman's place is in the:
__________________________________________________ ______
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
__________________________________________________ ______
E. What do you want to do IF you grow up?
__________________________________________________ ______
F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
__________________________________________________ ______
F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND RED HOT POKERS.
__________________________________________________ ______
Applicant's Signature
_______________________________ _______________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature
_______________________________ _______________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi StateRepresentative
Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing.
You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write.
If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases.
To prepare yourself, start studyingDaddy's Rules for Dating .
Daddy's Rules for Dating
Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy) :
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package,
because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so
long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep
your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to
wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their
hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your
friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded
about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the
door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and
I will not object!. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do
not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter,
I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in
place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing
a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when
it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other,
we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day.
Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an
indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my
house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'
Rule Six:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear,
and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to
be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is
putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting
the Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don't you
do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Seven:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden
stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing,
holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is
warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff
T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down
parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual
themes are to be avoided. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Eight:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-
aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter,
I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you
where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell
me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun,
a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Nine:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the
sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice
paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices
in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring
my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit
the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password,
announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely
and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come
inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
NAME_____________________________________
DATE OF BIRTH_____________
HEIGHT_______ WEIGHT_______ IQ_________ GPA________
SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________
DRIVERS LICENSE #________________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES_______________________________
ADDRESS___________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______
Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: __________________________________________________ ______
__________________________________________________ ______
Number of years they have been married ____________
If less than your age, explain
__________________________________________________ ______
__________________________________________________ ______
ACCESSORIES SECTION:
A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No
B. A truck with oversized tires? __ Yes __No
C. A waterbed? __Yes __No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No
E. A tattoo? __Yes __No
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?
(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE
APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST
RUNNING.)
ESSAY SECTION:
In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?
*****_____________________________________________ ___________
__________________________________________________ ______
__________________________________________________ ______
In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER'mean to you?
__________________________________________________ ______
__________________________________________________ ______
In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?
__________________________________________________ ______
__________________________________________________ ______
__________________________________________________ ______
REFERENCES SECTION:
Church you attend _________________________________________
How often you attend __________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
father? _____________
mother? _____________
pastor? _____________
SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:
__________________________________________________ ______
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
__________________________________________________ ______
C: A woman's place is in the:
__________________________________________________ ______
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
__________________________________________________ ______
E. What do you want to do IF you grow up?
__________________________________________________ ______
F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
__________________________________________________ ______
F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND RED HOT POKERS.
__________________________________________________ ______
Applicant's Signature
_______________________________ _______________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature
_______________________________ _______________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi StateRepresentative
Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing.
You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write.
If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases.
To prepare yourself, start studyingDaddy's Rules for Dating .
Daddy's Rules for Dating
Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy) :
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package,
because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so
long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep
your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to
wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their
hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your
friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded
about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the
door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and
I will not object!. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do
not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter,
I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in
place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing
a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when
it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other,
we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day.
Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an
indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my
house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'
Rule Six:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear,
and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to
be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is
putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting
the Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don't you
do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Seven:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden
stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing,
holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is
warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff
T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down
parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual
themes are to be avoided. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Eight:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-
aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter,
I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you
where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell
me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun,
a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Nine:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the
sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice
paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices
in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring
my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit
the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password,
announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely
and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come
inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.