Black Horse
03-12-2008, 01:22 PM
Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in
sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to
the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans)
that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting,
so I accepted and became Judge 3.'
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway.
Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one.
These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Great BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not
sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I
had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich
maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a
uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone
knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid
pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my
chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans.
Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out
taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh
refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this
nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly
ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant
seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.
Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the
pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off
that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good
balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe
my butt with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef
literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.**I
should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be a bit
of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,
and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. Myshirt is covered with chili,
which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of bubbling lava to match
my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing its too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3
farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself.Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd
have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 -- No Report
Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in
sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to
the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans)
that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting,
so I accepted and became Judge 3.'
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway.
Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one.
These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Great BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not
sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I
had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich
maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a
uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone
knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid
pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my
chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans.
Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out
taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh
refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this
nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly
ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant
seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.
Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the
pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off
that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good
balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe
my butt with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef
literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.**I
should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be a bit
of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,
and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. Myshirt is covered with chili,
which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of bubbling lava to match
my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing its too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3
farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself.Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd
have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 -- No Report