dedpedal
03-08-2008, 02:35 AM
Ahh yes, another mindless meandering into the day to day events that define my journey through this thing called life. Join me wont you? As I take a stroll down memory lane and recount the events and occurrances of a recent day in my life? I promise, I wont remember it tommorow.
Maybe I'm the one
Maybe I'm the one who is the schizophrenic psycho (yeah)
Around 10 am on wed, march 5th, I was scheduled to install some film on some external windows at a local hospital. As I drive to my destiny of the day, I ponder the reality of whats going on around me. It is cold after a day near 70 degrees, I have the windows rolled up and the heater blasting. I had "that urge" you know what Im talking about here. That rumbling, cramping feeling that is your ass letting you know that the 10 little cheeseburgers from the white paradise are about to reach their fermentation point and your ass is going to announce it? Yea, it was that kind of feeling.
She lays down on the fresh lawn
She can make everything magical
But she tied one on big time
And it makes me wanna rewind
As Im parking my van with my head hanging out the window from my own stench and letting the burnt nasal hairs flutter in the breeze, I begin to comtemplate my surroundings. Im at a hospital, Im putting out fumes that Im sure are considered illegal torture in countries that condone electrical leads attached to a mans testicles and Im slightly hungover. Not to mention that after that last fart I feel like I ripped myself a new one (asshole if you didnt get it).
To back in the days when we were young
When everything was like a loaded gun
Undauntered, I load my supplies onto my cart and head in to find out where Im working. Im sort of praying that the job is grond floor so I can avoid evevators due to my rancid gastric aromas. My contact arrives shortly and leads me to, yep, the elevator. Im not one to be embarrassed by my bodily functions often, but this chick was a doll. Imagine Daney, but single and available. MEOW! As luck would have it, I kept my cork in. Unfortunatly, SHE didnt. It smelled like some bitch named Britany had just shit on a dozen roses. We escaped the elevator and she keyed us through two sets of doors. That should have been my first warning but I missed it.
Ready to go off at any minute
And you know we're gonna win again
She showed me the windows to do and left. I thought that if I had to smell another one of her squeekers that I would return the greeting from the toothless one with the breath of many camels. I was so ingrossed in tinting these windows that I failed at one of my prime rules in life: know your surroundings. My second hint that I wasnt in Kansas was the first "patient" that I encountered. She was a mid 60s woman, small and frail. She snuck up behind me while I was cleaning a pane of glass with a razor. "HELLLLLOOOOOO there Lawrence!" came from behind me and I turned, half way to Kung Fu Kevin and aalmost cut her thoat! She was so into what I was doing that I had to ham it up and explaine everything I was doing. She listened with the intent of a first grader comtemplating astro physics.
I got back to actual work about 30 minutes later.
Maybe I'm the one who is the schizophrenic psycho (yeah)
Maybe I'm the one
Maybe I'm the one who is the paranoid psycho
My next encounter was Sara. She apparently was upset over the fact that her boyfriend refused to talk to her anymore. Another older woman, but a bit bigger, who had lost at love. ( I heard an orderly talking to another that Sara's boyfriend was in ICU and the outlook wasnt good). Sara must have heard them, that or she was overtaken my my manly good looks and my bulging package, but anyways, she latched onto me and talked my ears off. I now know alot of prewar (WWII) history that is not in any books. She must have been quite the lady of the evening back then. Whats 50 bucks worth these days? 500? 1000? Either way, I have the impression that Im her new boyfriend. Oh well, shes taking me out for dinner, beers (many) and a hummer this weekend.
She lays down on the sidewalk
Never very analytical
She is something simply beautiful
Re-appear when you feel magical
Did I mention that I had a partner in crime this day? No, I guess I didnt. Anyways, these windows are a bit wider than I can handle alone so my company office manager came out to help. I did all the windows I could by myself and she (yes, she is a girl) met me at the front door. I neglected to fill her in on all the details (hell, I didnt get filled in so why should she?) on the way up and held my ass in check. Im guessing my pucker ring had given up after the previous elevator ride. I lead her back to the Day Room where I had started to work. When we entered the room, we had a new friend. Im gonna call her Betsy, since we didnt actualy get a name. Betsy is a big girl. Id say she probably hit the scales around 450 lbs. Now, Im not one to really make fun of fat people and this is no exeption. The thing that got me was that she had so little clothing covering her. One glance at her nudity and her lack of concern let me know that Kansas was not only a state I wasnt in anymore but a state in a whole 'nother universe.
To back in the days when we were young
When everything was like a loaded gun
Ready to go off at any minute
Yeah you know we're gonna win again
We finnished the Day Room and moved into the Activity Room. By this time, my poor accomplice was starting to freak out. We were alone in this room and had gotten a few windows done before an orderly popped his head in the room and asked if we would prefer the doors shut. Im thinking "hell yes!" on the inside, but my professional side said" Whatever works best" After he left and locked the doors from the outside, my unhappy little helper asked if it was OK to be locked in there. My reply? " Id rather be locked in here with you than locked out there with them!". Im not sure, but I think that she was just as nervous with me as she was with the patients.
Maybe I'm the one who is the schizophrenic psycho (yeah)
Maybe I'm the one
Maybe I'm the one who is the paranoid psycho
You're the one, you're the one who is the schizophrenic psycho
I left with a warm feeling of relief, knowing that I have seen my future and I'm solid with the knowledge that Ill fit in well when the time comes that my family has me legaly committed to a psychiactric facility. Yea, Im not gonna suffer from insanity, Im going to enjoy every minute of it.
Maybe I'm the one who is the schizophrenic psycho (yeah)
Maybe I'm the one
Maybe I'm the one who is the paranoid psycho
Did I mention that this was the last song I heard on the radio when I got out of the van as well as the first song I heard when I got back into it after the job?
Omens and premonitions aside, I think it was a serious preview of things to come.
Maybe I'm the one
Maybe I'm the one who is the schizophrenic psycho (yeah)
Around 10 am on wed, march 5th, I was scheduled to install some film on some external windows at a local hospital. As I drive to my destiny of the day, I ponder the reality of whats going on around me. It is cold after a day near 70 degrees, I have the windows rolled up and the heater blasting. I had "that urge" you know what Im talking about here. That rumbling, cramping feeling that is your ass letting you know that the 10 little cheeseburgers from the white paradise are about to reach their fermentation point and your ass is going to announce it? Yea, it was that kind of feeling.
She lays down on the fresh lawn
She can make everything magical
But she tied one on big time
And it makes me wanna rewind
As Im parking my van with my head hanging out the window from my own stench and letting the burnt nasal hairs flutter in the breeze, I begin to comtemplate my surroundings. Im at a hospital, Im putting out fumes that Im sure are considered illegal torture in countries that condone electrical leads attached to a mans testicles and Im slightly hungover. Not to mention that after that last fart I feel like I ripped myself a new one (asshole if you didnt get it).
To back in the days when we were young
When everything was like a loaded gun
Undauntered, I load my supplies onto my cart and head in to find out where Im working. Im sort of praying that the job is grond floor so I can avoid evevators due to my rancid gastric aromas. My contact arrives shortly and leads me to, yep, the elevator. Im not one to be embarrassed by my bodily functions often, but this chick was a doll. Imagine Daney, but single and available. MEOW! As luck would have it, I kept my cork in. Unfortunatly, SHE didnt. It smelled like some bitch named Britany had just shit on a dozen roses. We escaped the elevator and she keyed us through two sets of doors. That should have been my first warning but I missed it.
Ready to go off at any minute
And you know we're gonna win again
She showed me the windows to do and left. I thought that if I had to smell another one of her squeekers that I would return the greeting from the toothless one with the breath of many camels. I was so ingrossed in tinting these windows that I failed at one of my prime rules in life: know your surroundings. My second hint that I wasnt in Kansas was the first "patient" that I encountered. She was a mid 60s woman, small and frail. She snuck up behind me while I was cleaning a pane of glass with a razor. "HELLLLLOOOOOO there Lawrence!" came from behind me and I turned, half way to Kung Fu Kevin and aalmost cut her thoat! She was so into what I was doing that I had to ham it up and explaine everything I was doing. She listened with the intent of a first grader comtemplating astro physics.
I got back to actual work about 30 minutes later.
Maybe I'm the one who is the schizophrenic psycho (yeah)
Maybe I'm the one
Maybe I'm the one who is the paranoid psycho
My next encounter was Sara. She apparently was upset over the fact that her boyfriend refused to talk to her anymore. Another older woman, but a bit bigger, who had lost at love. ( I heard an orderly talking to another that Sara's boyfriend was in ICU and the outlook wasnt good). Sara must have heard them, that or she was overtaken my my manly good looks and my bulging package, but anyways, she latched onto me and talked my ears off. I now know alot of prewar (WWII) history that is not in any books. She must have been quite the lady of the evening back then. Whats 50 bucks worth these days? 500? 1000? Either way, I have the impression that Im her new boyfriend. Oh well, shes taking me out for dinner, beers (many) and a hummer this weekend.
She lays down on the sidewalk
Never very analytical
She is something simply beautiful
Re-appear when you feel magical
Did I mention that I had a partner in crime this day? No, I guess I didnt. Anyways, these windows are a bit wider than I can handle alone so my company office manager came out to help. I did all the windows I could by myself and she (yes, she is a girl) met me at the front door. I neglected to fill her in on all the details (hell, I didnt get filled in so why should she?) on the way up and held my ass in check. Im guessing my pucker ring had given up after the previous elevator ride. I lead her back to the Day Room where I had started to work. When we entered the room, we had a new friend. Im gonna call her Betsy, since we didnt actualy get a name. Betsy is a big girl. Id say she probably hit the scales around 450 lbs. Now, Im not one to really make fun of fat people and this is no exeption. The thing that got me was that she had so little clothing covering her. One glance at her nudity and her lack of concern let me know that Kansas was not only a state I wasnt in anymore but a state in a whole 'nother universe.
To back in the days when we were young
When everything was like a loaded gun
Ready to go off at any minute
Yeah you know we're gonna win again
We finnished the Day Room and moved into the Activity Room. By this time, my poor accomplice was starting to freak out. We were alone in this room and had gotten a few windows done before an orderly popped his head in the room and asked if we would prefer the doors shut. Im thinking "hell yes!" on the inside, but my professional side said" Whatever works best" After he left and locked the doors from the outside, my unhappy little helper asked if it was OK to be locked in there. My reply? " Id rather be locked in here with you than locked out there with them!". Im not sure, but I think that she was just as nervous with me as she was with the patients.
Maybe I'm the one who is the schizophrenic psycho (yeah)
Maybe I'm the one
Maybe I'm the one who is the paranoid psycho
You're the one, you're the one who is the schizophrenic psycho
I left with a warm feeling of relief, knowing that I have seen my future and I'm solid with the knowledge that Ill fit in well when the time comes that my family has me legaly committed to a psychiactric facility. Yea, Im not gonna suffer from insanity, Im going to enjoy every minute of it.
Maybe I'm the one who is the schizophrenic psycho (yeah)
Maybe I'm the one
Maybe I'm the one who is the paranoid psycho
Did I mention that this was the last song I heard on the radio when I got out of the van as well as the first song I heard when I got back into it after the job?
Omens and premonitions aside, I think it was a serious preview of things to come.