dedpedal
01-12-2008, 10:53 AM
Yep, you know its going to be one of them days when the first thing you do upon entering the vehicle is wind all the windows down when its 15 degrees above zero. My day was just a week ago. I had a touch more draught beer than Im used to and chased with a sack of Whiteys and a couple hard boiled and pickled eggs.
On my drive to my first customers house I had to let one go. Normaly for me, if it comes out sounding like I have a trumpet shoved up my sphincter, the smell wont be much. Not this time. It came barreling out of my ass at the speed of sound and vibrated the rear view mirror off of the windshield. Ill let you in on a little known fact: the speed of smell is only a fraction slower than the speed of sound.
OK, Im rambling here. Back to the story so far: I farted and it stunk. OK, so now I know what I have to contend with. As I drive down the expressway with my head hanging out the drivers window and ice forming in my facial hair, I realize that if something this epic is released to an unsuspecting customer I might be arrested for assault. I promised myself that I would make every effort to keep a tight reign on my stink bombs.
As some of you know, Ive been working on dropping my cigarette habit. So far its been going pretty well. I havent had one in colse to two weeks. Now Ive been tinting windows for twenty years and can count on one hand how many customers have smoked in my presence. This day? You guessed it. Old Bubba Ed anwers the door with a cigg hanging out of his mouth. I can deal with this, I said to myself. So.. I get to work and have a few windows done when I notice a second person standing behind me , smoking a ciggarette. Mabbe it was karma, mabbe just coincidence. Either way, I have a couple of folks chain smoking in the same room while Im working.
back to the topic at hand. I keep rambling. I felt a rumbling in my lower abdomen that is usualy defined as a precursor to a fart. I knew from my experiance earlier that I didnt want to let one fly in a customers house so I worked my Jedi Mind Trick on myself and willed it to stop. That held it back for the imediate future. Why didnt I go outside under the false pretense that I needed something from my van and let it rip outside? Ill tell you. I like pain.
I continued working, they continued smoking and the fart just continued. I lost focus on the mental strangle hold I had applied and the fart took advantage of it. It had worked its way out and was bubbling up my butt crack in search of fresh air to polute. As soon as I caught on to what was happening, I forced all of my will into pulling that bad boy back in and holding it. My face must have been as red as a beet but I got enough vacuum built up to pull a golf ball through a garden hose. Apparently that was too much. I felt that weird grumbling in reverse. It went all the way to my stomach (OH NO LEMMYWINKS!!!!) and manifested itself as a belch. Figuring (incorrectly I might add) that if it made it that far in reverse that it must have shed its vile odor, I let it out slowly to avoid detection from my customers. Let me tell you right now. The taist was simply overwhelming. Who would have thought that something could smell bad enought to warrant its own nasty taiste? It was like a cross between rouqufort cheese and old fish, rubbed between Rosies tits.Now I know why my dog makes that face after licking his ass.
After all of that, I still had to finnish tinting and do the paperwork before I could leave. Never again will I try to hold one in like that. Ill either blame it on the dog/cat/kid/gramma or pass it off like its normal. Im sure that whoever is on the recieving end will be too uptight to even acknowledge that I even released something that vile.
come to think about it, I havent seen the cat since that day either....:angel:
On my drive to my first customers house I had to let one go. Normaly for me, if it comes out sounding like I have a trumpet shoved up my sphincter, the smell wont be much. Not this time. It came barreling out of my ass at the speed of sound and vibrated the rear view mirror off of the windshield. Ill let you in on a little known fact: the speed of smell is only a fraction slower than the speed of sound.
OK, Im rambling here. Back to the story so far: I farted and it stunk. OK, so now I know what I have to contend with. As I drive down the expressway with my head hanging out the drivers window and ice forming in my facial hair, I realize that if something this epic is released to an unsuspecting customer I might be arrested for assault. I promised myself that I would make every effort to keep a tight reign on my stink bombs.
As some of you know, Ive been working on dropping my cigarette habit. So far its been going pretty well. I havent had one in colse to two weeks. Now Ive been tinting windows for twenty years and can count on one hand how many customers have smoked in my presence. This day? You guessed it. Old Bubba Ed anwers the door with a cigg hanging out of his mouth. I can deal with this, I said to myself. So.. I get to work and have a few windows done when I notice a second person standing behind me , smoking a ciggarette. Mabbe it was karma, mabbe just coincidence. Either way, I have a couple of folks chain smoking in the same room while Im working.
back to the topic at hand. I keep rambling. I felt a rumbling in my lower abdomen that is usualy defined as a precursor to a fart. I knew from my experiance earlier that I didnt want to let one fly in a customers house so I worked my Jedi Mind Trick on myself and willed it to stop. That held it back for the imediate future. Why didnt I go outside under the false pretense that I needed something from my van and let it rip outside? Ill tell you. I like pain.
I continued working, they continued smoking and the fart just continued. I lost focus on the mental strangle hold I had applied and the fart took advantage of it. It had worked its way out and was bubbling up my butt crack in search of fresh air to polute. As soon as I caught on to what was happening, I forced all of my will into pulling that bad boy back in and holding it. My face must have been as red as a beet but I got enough vacuum built up to pull a golf ball through a garden hose. Apparently that was too much. I felt that weird grumbling in reverse. It went all the way to my stomach (OH NO LEMMYWINKS!!!!) and manifested itself as a belch. Figuring (incorrectly I might add) that if it made it that far in reverse that it must have shed its vile odor, I let it out slowly to avoid detection from my customers. Let me tell you right now. The taist was simply overwhelming. Who would have thought that something could smell bad enought to warrant its own nasty taiste? It was like a cross between rouqufort cheese and old fish, rubbed between Rosies tits.Now I know why my dog makes that face after licking his ass.
After all of that, I still had to finnish tinting and do the paperwork before I could leave. Never again will I try to hold one in like that. Ill either blame it on the dog/cat/kid/gramma or pass it off like its normal. Im sure that whoever is on the recieving end will be too uptight to even acknowledge that I even released something that vile.
come to think about it, I havent seen the cat since that day either....:angel: