BigBadStang
04-17-2007, 01:57 PM
posted from an email my dad sent to me....
>
> DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
> metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
> flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that
> freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.
>
>
>
> WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
> the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and
> hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you
> to say, "YEOWW.. .."
>
>
>
> ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
> holes until you die of old age.
>
>
>
> SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
>
>
>
> PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
> blood-blisters. The tool most often used by all women.
>
>
>
> BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
> touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
>
>
>
> HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
> principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
> motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
> dismal your future becomes.
>
>
>
> VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
> heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to Transfer
> intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
>
>
>
> OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
> objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside
> the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
>
>
>
> TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
> projectiles for testing wall integrity.
>
>
>
> E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known
> drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any
> possible future use.
>
>
>
> RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most
> shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.
>
>
>
> TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
> everything you forgot to disconnect.
>
>
>
> CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that
> inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
> opposite the handle.
>
>
>
> PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids
> and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on
> your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
> Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.
>
>
>
> STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
> convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
>
>
>
> AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
> power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
> travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
> bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford,
> and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug
> nuts.
>
>
>
> PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
> bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
>
>
>
> HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
>
>
>
> HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
> used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
> adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make
> gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.
>
>
>
> MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
> cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well
> on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
> collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
> Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
>
>
>
> And of course the old....
>
> DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
> while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often,
> - the next tool that you will need.
>
>
> DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
> metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
> flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that
> freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.
>
>
>
> WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
> the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and
> hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you
> to say, "YEOWW.. .."
>
>
>
> ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
> holes until you die of old age.
>
>
>
> SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
>
>
>
> PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
> blood-blisters. The tool most often used by all women.
>
>
>
> BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
> touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
>
>
>
> HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
> principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
> motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
> dismal your future becomes.
>
>
>
> VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
> heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to Transfer
> intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
>
>
>
> OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
> objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside
> the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
>
>
>
> TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
> projectiles for testing wall integrity.
>
>
>
> E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known
> drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any
> possible future use.
>
>
>
> RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most
> shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.
>
>
>
> TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
> everything you forgot to disconnect.
>
>
>
> CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that
> inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
> opposite the handle.
>
>
>
> PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids
> and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on
> your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
> Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.
>
>
>
> STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
> convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
>
>
>
> AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
> power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
> travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
> bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford,
> and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug
> nuts.
>
>
>
> PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
> bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
>
>
>
> HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
>
>
>
> HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
> used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
> adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make
> gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.
>
>
>
> MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
> cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well
> on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
> collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
> Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
>
>
>
> And of course the old....
>
> DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
> while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often,
> - the next tool that you will need.
>