dedpedal
03-24-2007, 06:42 PM
BEEEEEPPPP BEEEEEPPPPP BEEEEEPPPPP Wtf is that? Oh, the alarm. Roll over, hit snooze. AHHHHH back to my dream and the hot chick in it. NO DICE! Its Ophrah and Rosie! They want my recipe for lasagna and will eat me alive till they get it. As I begin to sceam for all Im worth, the half ton duo begin to chew on my toes. BEEEEPPPP BEEEEEPPPPP BEEEPPPPP Damn alarm clock again. WHEW! what a nightmare. THEN I feel teeth sink into my pinky toe. Vivid assed dream if there ever was one! I pull back the cover expecting to find the queens of ass root into the chair growing, but instead find my friend Biz the cat. Thank god i slept in sweats or he might have decided to nibble on my nuggets to wake me. OK OK Ill feed your determined ass! off to the kitchen I go.
On my way I think how great it would be to sit with my morning smoke and a glass of Mountain Dew. Detour to the living room. In my sleep festered daze, I neglect to noyice the ashtray on the floor by the couch. Left foot in, STOP, that doesnt feel like cigarette ashes. look downward to my distant appendage and see that good ole Biz has found a new use for the ashtray. So now, Im sitting here with catshit on my foot and a smoke in my hand trying to figure out what to do to get even with the little bastard. I know! Ill duct tape his asshole shut and leave without feeding him. Im good as gone as soon as i clean the shit off my foot.
Off to work, that sane island of tristate window film installation. no biggie, I drive my trusty mini van to the nearest Speedway for coffee and smokes I threw my last one at Biscuit). Halfway down the road, the windshield magicly fogs over. I guess my heavy breathing caused this. Got my coffee and smokes, time to go play in traffic.
At the morning meeting, everything is just hunky dorie. Away to the tint mobile Sun Boy! We have carpets to save! The first job seems strait forward on paper, but when we arrive at our destination, we're greeted by the family dog. of course, hes a Great Dane. The hugest fucking pet Ive seen this side of Marge Schot's ass licking St Bernard! This puppy must smell the cat shit in my shoe, because he decides that Im the newest chew toy in the room and goes ballistic on me. While Im rolling around yelling for help, I think he thought that I was his masters wife and started humping me in the foyer. while the lady looked on in shock, I was being ridden like the last whore in Vegas . So... remembering what my boy scout troop leader told me as a child, I play dead and hope the animal gets bored. Was I in for a surprise! The damn dog pulls down my jeans and prison rapes me like the geek in The New Kid. Finaly hes done and the lady puts him in another room( I notice that she gives him a cigarette before closing the door).
The rest of the morning was fine with the exception of the dog jizm running down my pants leg. Bitch coulda least give me a towel or something.
Time for lunch. Me and my trusty side kick head out to Marv's Place in Okeanna for grub. We sit at our usual table by the Ladies room so we can see the wet spots and camel toes of the pissers patrons. Ahhh a new waitress. Ill order the usual. "Ill have a B T L, C U N T. I wasnt ready for the surprise slap from out new nourishment provider. Then she asks in a polite voice,' What did you ask for?" I reply, B L T, C U N T" SLAP!. She walks off mumbling various disrespectful phrases. She returns with the manager and he asks me to repeat my order. Im thinking that these rubes dont understand acronymes very well. So I tell him. "I want a B L T C U N T" His retort" What the hell does that mean?" Bacon Lettuce Tomato, Cut Up Not Toasted" he thought about this for a bit before asking the waitress if she was allright with it. She was good. here comes my sandwich fit for the king I am. I get into my food and realize that its all soggy and limp, pieces falling out on my plate nasty. WTF is this? She grabs my check and scribbles on the bottom "S H I T" Now wtf does THAT mean? "Shoulda Had It Toasted"
back to work. Drive all the way to BFE Ohio to tint 2 little side glasses 6.5x9 inches. WOW! I made a whole30 cents on this job! Back to the land of sunshine and laughter (ky) to the river center to tint some glass behind a stud wall. Nothing out of the ordinary till i notice that all the construction worker dissappear. I figure they are off on one of their many smoke breaks when the alarm goes off and the sprinklers drop a deluge of rancid water all over my worksite. Im mad as a wet hen when I get outside to hear the cheers and jeers from the nice guys who failed to tell us about the sprinkler test. Thats ok, before I got out, I opened every toolbox I could find. Revenge is a dish best served cold.
The drive home was wet but uneventful with the exception of wet clothes from the sprinklers and a wet ass from the Great Dane, whos name was Thor of all things.
AHHHHHHH Home sweet Home. Nice sunny warm day, think Ill go for a ride on my bike. I guess Ill go to the store for beer and cookies. I get to the store just fine, get my meager groceries and head to the cashier. Sometimes I forget that this particular venue of prepackaged nutrients employs some of the mentaly handicapped people from the nearby school. I think this is great. its good for them to feel self worth and funtion in life. However the particular cashier I went to, saw the unopened pack of cigarettes in my coat pocket and called for the manager and actualy accused me of shoplifting. After the embarrassment of being a public spectacle (Like that hasnt happened enough today?), I assure the manager that I had puchased this pack earlier in the day and convinced him that I didnt take them from his store, I was free to go about my bussiness . Out the door I go to find that its raining. Here I am with a case of beer, wearing a t-shirt in 60 degree weather and its freaking raining! Oh well, life goes on, that which doesnt kill me makes me stronger and all that happy horseshit. Down the road in a flash of flames and the sound of my 550cc iron mare screaming at 9000 rpm. Mabbe I should shift. Minutes later, im safe in the garage and unpacking my bounty of alchoholic refreshment. Upstairs to my castle on the creek for food and beer.
Ever hear of bitter beer face from Keystone? Me neither, but somehow the beer brought back from the race turned sour, so into the fresh I go in hopes of cooling the hot pipes down a notch. Mucho better. Time to scrounge for food. Hmmmm I wonder how long pizza stays good in the fridge? Did I order a pizza with fuzzy green stuff on it last week? Guess I did. Into the nukero-micro-radiation oven for a few minutes. If theres anything alive on there, it wont hurt me now. I think. Now I have the worst case of indegestion Ive ever had and call the doctor about it. After relating the days events to him, he offers this prognosis," Dont worry about the stomach cramps, just think of it as a sure cure for your wicked case of syphilis.....
So, how was your day?
From the old board sometime in 03.
On my way I think how great it would be to sit with my morning smoke and a glass of Mountain Dew. Detour to the living room. In my sleep festered daze, I neglect to noyice the ashtray on the floor by the couch. Left foot in, STOP, that doesnt feel like cigarette ashes. look downward to my distant appendage and see that good ole Biz has found a new use for the ashtray. So now, Im sitting here with catshit on my foot and a smoke in my hand trying to figure out what to do to get even with the little bastard. I know! Ill duct tape his asshole shut and leave without feeding him. Im good as gone as soon as i clean the shit off my foot.
Off to work, that sane island of tristate window film installation. no biggie, I drive my trusty mini van to the nearest Speedway for coffee and smokes I threw my last one at Biscuit). Halfway down the road, the windshield magicly fogs over. I guess my heavy breathing caused this. Got my coffee and smokes, time to go play in traffic.
At the morning meeting, everything is just hunky dorie. Away to the tint mobile Sun Boy! We have carpets to save! The first job seems strait forward on paper, but when we arrive at our destination, we're greeted by the family dog. of course, hes a Great Dane. The hugest fucking pet Ive seen this side of Marge Schot's ass licking St Bernard! This puppy must smell the cat shit in my shoe, because he decides that Im the newest chew toy in the room and goes ballistic on me. While Im rolling around yelling for help, I think he thought that I was his masters wife and started humping me in the foyer. while the lady looked on in shock, I was being ridden like the last whore in Vegas . So... remembering what my boy scout troop leader told me as a child, I play dead and hope the animal gets bored. Was I in for a surprise! The damn dog pulls down my jeans and prison rapes me like the geek in The New Kid. Finaly hes done and the lady puts him in another room( I notice that she gives him a cigarette before closing the door).
The rest of the morning was fine with the exception of the dog jizm running down my pants leg. Bitch coulda least give me a towel or something.
Time for lunch. Me and my trusty side kick head out to Marv's Place in Okeanna for grub. We sit at our usual table by the Ladies room so we can see the wet spots and camel toes of the pissers patrons. Ahhh a new waitress. Ill order the usual. "Ill have a B T L, C U N T. I wasnt ready for the surprise slap from out new nourishment provider. Then she asks in a polite voice,' What did you ask for?" I reply, B L T, C U N T" SLAP!. She walks off mumbling various disrespectful phrases. She returns with the manager and he asks me to repeat my order. Im thinking that these rubes dont understand acronymes very well. So I tell him. "I want a B L T C U N T" His retort" What the hell does that mean?" Bacon Lettuce Tomato, Cut Up Not Toasted" he thought about this for a bit before asking the waitress if she was allright with it. She was good. here comes my sandwich fit for the king I am. I get into my food and realize that its all soggy and limp, pieces falling out on my plate nasty. WTF is this? She grabs my check and scribbles on the bottom "S H I T" Now wtf does THAT mean? "Shoulda Had It Toasted"
back to work. Drive all the way to BFE Ohio to tint 2 little side glasses 6.5x9 inches. WOW! I made a whole30 cents on this job! Back to the land of sunshine and laughter (ky) to the river center to tint some glass behind a stud wall. Nothing out of the ordinary till i notice that all the construction worker dissappear. I figure they are off on one of their many smoke breaks when the alarm goes off and the sprinklers drop a deluge of rancid water all over my worksite. Im mad as a wet hen when I get outside to hear the cheers and jeers from the nice guys who failed to tell us about the sprinkler test. Thats ok, before I got out, I opened every toolbox I could find. Revenge is a dish best served cold.
The drive home was wet but uneventful with the exception of wet clothes from the sprinklers and a wet ass from the Great Dane, whos name was Thor of all things.
AHHHHHHH Home sweet Home. Nice sunny warm day, think Ill go for a ride on my bike. I guess Ill go to the store for beer and cookies. I get to the store just fine, get my meager groceries and head to the cashier. Sometimes I forget that this particular venue of prepackaged nutrients employs some of the mentaly handicapped people from the nearby school. I think this is great. its good for them to feel self worth and funtion in life. However the particular cashier I went to, saw the unopened pack of cigarettes in my coat pocket and called for the manager and actualy accused me of shoplifting. After the embarrassment of being a public spectacle (Like that hasnt happened enough today?), I assure the manager that I had puchased this pack earlier in the day and convinced him that I didnt take them from his store, I was free to go about my bussiness . Out the door I go to find that its raining. Here I am with a case of beer, wearing a t-shirt in 60 degree weather and its freaking raining! Oh well, life goes on, that which doesnt kill me makes me stronger and all that happy horseshit. Down the road in a flash of flames and the sound of my 550cc iron mare screaming at 9000 rpm. Mabbe I should shift. Minutes later, im safe in the garage and unpacking my bounty of alchoholic refreshment. Upstairs to my castle on the creek for food and beer.
Ever hear of bitter beer face from Keystone? Me neither, but somehow the beer brought back from the race turned sour, so into the fresh I go in hopes of cooling the hot pipes down a notch. Mucho better. Time to scrounge for food. Hmmmm I wonder how long pizza stays good in the fridge? Did I order a pizza with fuzzy green stuff on it last week? Guess I did. Into the nukero-micro-radiation oven for a few minutes. If theres anything alive on there, it wont hurt me now. I think. Now I have the worst case of indegestion Ive ever had and call the doctor about it. After relating the days events to him, he offers this prognosis," Dont worry about the stomach cramps, just think of it as a sure cure for your wicked case of syphilis.....
So, how was your day?
From the old board sometime in 03.