2 days of hell!

[dedpedal]

The beginning of the week tends to suck for me. I get used to sleeping in saterday and sunday then have to readjust my internal clock for monday morning. This past monday was by far the worst Ive had in years. I didnt know about the timechange being moved forward to March this year till the friday before. Now, a little prelude to my work week. I had to be in Columbus monday morning at 8 am for a film application at the airport there. This means that I would have to leave my place about 530 am to get there on time. Keep up with me here. Im 2 hours early on waking up allready then throw this fucked up daylight savings time thing in and Im up to three hours of sleep lost.Id like to ad a big fuck you! to whoever had this brain prat of an idea.
Did I mention that I was going up with my boss? Ahhhhhhhh what a beautiful morning. He made it to my house around 6 am , allready running late. As I tossed my overnite bag in the back I told him to head to Speedway for my morning jolt of caffine. He bitched and whined all the way there about being late and how I was going to make him later to meet with the stuffed shirts that were running the progect. Like I give a flying fuck? I want/need my caffine. I cant smoke in the work van, even though its a loaner (whoever heard of that? A shop giving a customer a loaner till their vehicle was fixed?).
Anyone who smokes can attest to the fact that coffee and cigarettes go together like 2 peas in a pod. Needless to say, we stopped at every rest area we crossed on the way up. More whiling and puling about being late. I told him not to worry, the stuffed shirts wouldnt even notice that we wernt there. They arent smart enough to take a roll call.

Needless to say we got there on time, with him driving 90 while steering with his knee while he talked on the cell phone with customers and inputing appointments into his PDAIt took untill lunchtime for the asshole stuffed shirts to arrive and begin to chatter amongst themselves about the film we were installing. We had 5 hours invested in this deal when the bigwig of bigwigs said to my boss "We dont like that look, take it down." My boss about shit himself. He had bought about $1000 in materials for this job because it was speced into the original blueprints. Its not a product that we normaly stock so we are going to have to sit on it for a long time . Im thinking to myself not to worry about it, this is a PW job and they dont give a rats ass about spending someone elses money so why should we ? After they left, I told the boss to send them a bill for the extra labor and materials. That calmed him down a bit. We got the new and approved film from our distributer in town and away we went.

Since it was a 2 day job, our factory rep offered his home to us for the night and took us to dinner. So here I sit at Olive Garden with these 2 guys. They are not of my ilk in any way. Im laid back and relaxed while these two yammer away about money, lifestyle and what new car they want.
The ordered water with lemon for drinks and I (naturaly ) ordered a beer . They didnt serve the nectar of the gods (Keystone Light) so I settled on Coors Light. I watched with amusment the look of disgust on their faces as I drank from the bottle and belched loudly. They also talked about this chick sitting with her friends a few tables away so I started smiling at her. What do ya know? She smiled back right at the same time my boss was looking at her. He got all up in himself thinking that she liked him. When she left, she casualy walked by our table and dropped a napkin with her number on it in front of me! I had such a good laugh at that one.Embarrassment is such a good thing to use against someone.
I need to sign off now as my fingers are getting numb and I have things to do.
Next installment, Titties and beer plus more embarrassment for the boss.

[R825OH]

You rule you have the best stories .. a new show " A DAY INTHE LIFE OF...."

[OrangeStang04]

Next installment, Titties and beer plus more embarrassment for the boss.

Thats worse than when they show clips of the next season of a show that won't air for two months!!!

[dedpedal]

I ordered the biggest steak on the menu (on the boss of course) and wolfed it down like an ethiopian at Thanksgiving dinner. The downward pressure on my digestive system was growing with each blissful bite. I knew the signs and heeded them well, up to a point that is. After a few well timed trips outside to smoke I was caught in the middle of my steak when it happened.I attempted to let it sneak out in a quiet well muffled fashion. What I didnt take into account was the fact that I had included 3 beers with the pre dinner salad and was working my way through the forth one. The gas that forms when beer is digested by one like myself is vastly different from normal people. My body is like a supercharger when it comes to making manly noises and odors.Well, this was a nuclear bomb even compared to me. My tummy gurgled happily as it moved the steak on to my intestines. With no other place to go, this one single gas bubble exited stage left (can you guess who was sitting to my imediate left?) with a roar of a 747 lifting off the tarmac. I think it actualy scared my boss. Loud and proud. I had hoped (briefly) that since it was a seat shaker that it wouldnt smell to badly. I was wrong. In a big way. If you take goat milk and a dozen eggs, let them sit inside a closed car during the summer for a week, then mix them together and breath it in. Thats about half of what this one smelled like. Both my boss and our factory rep began making noises like they were going to puke and I sat calmly eating my steak. You can never know how people are going to react when you let a bomb off in a crowded resteurant but you can allways count on a laugh.
Things settled down for the remainder of dinner so theres not much to recount. On to the ride home.
I asked if there was a liquor store on the way.Face it, I had 6 Coors Light beers at the resteurant and wasnt ready to stop. I got a pair of 6 pack tallboys of Keystone light. Ahhhhhhhh the beer made for me. I am King Dedpedal and I rule with a fist full of Keystone Light! The night was beginning to gain my interest.
Back at the rep's house we settled in to shoot the shit and watch a movie. This guy is pretty cool, but anal in ways I cant grasp. He has a shitload of movies on dvd and has them listed on a computer printout (alphabeticly no less) so one could read instead of just looking at the rack of discs. I really wasnt concerned with which movie to watch since I had seen all of them at least once.between the two of them, it was decided that we would watch "The Wedding Crashers"
Ill pick up on this later as I have someplace to be. Im not sure where just yet, but I know Im walking.
Till next time....:popcorn:

[DeckerEnt]

See ya in a few Kev.
Keith

[Black Horse]

Yer killin me.....damn my sides hurt already!

[glassman]

:chug: :rofl: :fart: :rofl: :rofl:

[Foxxx5oh]

damnit...i just woke the baby again....but i cant stop laughing!!

[dedpedal]

Back to the movie and things best left unsaid (but Ill say em anyways). The Wedding Crashers. Obviously this movie escaped my attention span the first time I watched at home since I didnt remember a damn thing about it. The rep popped it in and we settled down to watch. Typicaly, I had a beer in my hand and one on the coaster in a coozie. Im pretty good about reducing the trips to the fridge. The boss had a Zima cradled in his arms like a baby with a bottle. I asked if he wanted a nipple on it and he looked at me like Id grown an extra arm. You could see the comment heading out at eye level and take a 90 degree turn toward the ceiling just inches from his face. Ilet it slide but the rep got a laugh out of it and the mood was set. After about my 5th or 6th tallboy ( the boss was just opening his second Zima) we finaly got to the gratuitus tittie shots. The rep pitched me a fast ball right over the plate. "Hey boss, whens the last time you saw a set like that?" he asked. Before my well buzzed boss (second Zima) could reply, I chimed in with "About 9 months before his last kid was born." Total humiliation. He turned 3 shades of red and nursed his Zima with a smile.
He had to get up to take a piss (second Zima still) and the leather couch we were sitting on made one of those air sucking sounds that lets you know that when the next person sits, its going to be like a whoopie cushion.
I felt the rolling movement in my abdomen and knew I could time it just right to let out a burst of atomic sphincter splitter gas. As the boss returned and began to sit, I silently counted to 3 and let it rip. The leather couch covered my own sound perfectly. I couldnt even hear it myself. Im sure the rep has used this as a discussion starter with dates or as a method to break the ice. I used it for a whole new meaning. Im guessing that the boss felt the vibration all the way to his side of the couch and thought that he had ripped one off. He tried his best to use the couch as a cover story but when the smell hit him and the rep, there was no way out. He just sat there and looked embarrassed.
Laters, next on the list is the midnite dump and the broken toilet.
Chaio

[Foxxx5oh]

LMFGDAO!! im so glad my kids not sleeping now!! cause if he was he wouldnt be after that!

[jrmylmach1]

Oh my god!!!! This is too much. I'm sitting here at work in our ops area laughing my ass off. :lol: :lol: :lol: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Thank you so much for bringing a little joy into an otherwise shitty day.:bigthumb :bigthumb :bigthumb

[dedpedal]

Well, after the movie was over it was time to hit the rack and get some sleep. I was bunking in the lower level den on a futon couch. I packed a lunch (the last 3 beers in the fridge) and settled in. I watched a couple reruns on tv and began to drift off. Sometime later I woke up to the powerful growling in the depths of my innards that generaly precedes a dump equal to The Berlin Airlift. As there wasnt a crapper down there, I quietly headed upstairs to find one. The only one I could find in the dark was on the top floor next to the boss's room. I was still about half buzzed so I really didnt use my best skills in respecting his sleep. As soon as I plopped my bulbous ass on the seat, the move began. Most men know about this as its been well written about so I wont explane it here. With a few machine gun rattle farts in between, I dropped a mound of shit that would make an elephant say WOW!. At some point, I managed to fill the bottom of the bowl and the mound rose like an inverted volcano. When the summit of my analy born Mt St Helens reached my puckered starfish, I reached behind and hit the flush level. This is where things got rough. The water flooded around the hill and began to rise. I was worried that there would be an overflow on the second floor of this cats 300k home. At the last second, much like Moses parting the Red Sea, the pressure of the water overcame the plug of feces and the whole thing went down the drain. What was left behind looked like a chocholate tornado. I looked around for a toilet brush to clean the mess up but couldnt find one so I left it as it was and crept silently back to my futon in the dungeon. About an hour later, I hear the door upstairs shut. I knew one of them was in the crapper. I hadnt turned the fan on so Im sure that I left a clear marking of my visit in the air as well as in the toilet. Some coughing and gagging from upstairs let me know that it was the rep in the shitter. With my successful blame shift on the fart earlier, I knew I could pull off another coup in the morning and leave this one on the boss as well.
Sure enough, the next morning there was the obvious question about the night deposit. I simply shrugged my shoulders and pointed to the boss. The blame was properly shifted and I was in the clear with the rep.
Im seriously doubting that I ever get asked to pull another out of town job again and this was just the first day.

Next up: Slackers and "That bitch has a bigger beard and mustache than YOU!"

[Foxxx5oh]

HOLY HELL!!! that is some seriously funny ish there!! my general mannager is looking at me funny (well...funnier than usual cause he's a douchebag) and i jsut cant explain it to him

[ponymom05]

You know, I've never met you, but this SOOO much more than I ever wanted to know about you!! Please forgive me if we ever do meet face-to-face as I will probably break out into laughter associating these stories with the face (or rear). You are too funny!:lol: :lol: :lol:

[Carl]

Kevin...it just never ends with you does it..??? haha

[dedpedal]

Kevin...it just never ends with you does it..??? haha
Ittl end when it stops being funny.

[R825OH]

Oh Man I thuink Ipissed myself!!

['92Stang]

Good stuff man:bigthumb , You should publish a weekly newsletter:lol:

[dedpedal]

Good stuff man:bigthumb , You should publish a weekly newsletter:lol:
I try to, its called Kev's Rants.;)

['92Stang]

I'm subscribing:bigthumb

[dedpedal]

Well, since this one has gone on longer than usual, Ill cut it short (especialy since the next day wasnt much to go with) and just recap the highlights.I made the boss stop for breakfast. Gas station coffee and a couple of ciggaretts for me and a candy bar and Starbucks cold coffee for the boss(that right there says something about a man). We got back to the jobsite and hit it with an abandoned furvor. This lasted all of about an hour since we were both hungover. Remember his 2 Zimas? I told him that if I looked that bad after 2 beers, Id quit drinking. This continued till lunch. We had had our fill of nasty pizza the day before and played it safe by hitting the Wendy's in the airport food court. While standing in line, I noticed that the girl(?) taking orders was infected with a mass of facial hair. I kept talking and when I caught the boss checking out her ass, I made the simple comment "That bitch has a bigger beard and stache than YOU do." About that time she turned around and sure as the poo smells bad, he got a look. A good look. He was about to get sick so I ordered for both of us while he made his way to the mens room. He came back after I had the food and was sitting down at a table. I let him eat about half of his lunch before asking him what he thought it would be like to french kiss her. Back to the mens room.
Im not allowed to speak now. So we finnish lunch and head back to the site.
I worked in silence for about an hour before the stuffed shirts showed up again.One of them was talking to the boss and commented on how fast we were getting the job done, even after the 5 hour loss the day before. I piped up and said "We'd be moving alot faster if SOMEONE would quit talking and get to work. "
That did him in.
He didnt say much to me untill the ride home. While I was sipping a 40oz, he asked if thats the way people work on out of town jobs and I let him in on the secret that the laughter keeps it moving. I really doubt now that Ill ever get another overnighter as long as I work here.
Thanks for listening (reading) Im sure Ill have another day that makes me giggle and Ill share it around to anyone who wants to hear.
Kev

[kennebellcobra]

After reading that I can't believe you still have a job:lol:

[MrsAPE]

Thanks for listening (reading) Im sure Ill have another day that makes me giggle and Ill share it around to anyone who wants to hear.
Kev

I sure hope so!!
Only you.
Kim

[Demonracer]

LMFAO