Ahhh A weekend getaway... Dedpedal Style

[dedpedal]

As many of you know, Amy is the love of my life and the non cooperative target for alot of my stories. What can I say? She's usualy involved in them. Amy is a store manager at Dollar Tree. After the Season rush is over from Thanksgiving to Christmas, the company rewards her with a couple paid days off. She wanted to get out of town for a few days and decided that Gattlinburg would be a nice getaway. She made all the plans and even included ME. With that done, all we had to do was wait for the magical day that we would depart. She booked us into a gorgeous one bedroom cabin close to the main strip in Pidgeon Forge. It was perfect on paper (the internet in this case) but trouble began as soon as we settled in for the night. It was equipped with a hottub, pool table and a Ms. Pacman game. The game was indeed the deciding factor in her rental of this particular cabin. The first thing we noticed was a sign on the top of the game (OUT OF ORDER). She wasnt happy. So then we played a game of pool. The pool table was smaller than regulation size and cramped against the walls. Strike two against this cabin.Neither of us are good enough to be called ameteurs but we had fun chasing the balls around the table. With each successful shot one of us made, the other had to remove one item of clothing. Needless to say, I was standing close to butt naked while trying to shoot. I caught up with her and the game came down to the 8ball shot. We hadnt made any rules against distraction so I let Big Jim and the twins hang out in a corner pocket. She noticed about the same time she shot and flubbed it, giving me the win. A few games of that and we were tired and ready for a soak in the hottub. Did you see strike three coming? Yup. The hottub was low on water so when we turned the jets on, it was blasting water everywhere from the top jets in the corner seat. I was thinking on how to plug the jets up so we could at least use the tub for awhile and call maintenance the next morning (No, I didnt try to stick something in there, besides, I only have one). My solution was to sit with my back against them and block the water. That worked, but precluded and hottub games that I had fantasized about for the past few weeks. A case of beer later, we were done and ready for bed. I wont tell you about that because its none of your business. All I can say is that if theres cameras hidden in there, the next big blockbuster porn will feature two people you will recognize.
After a good nights sleep, we get up and prepare for a day of shopping and goofing off. Before we left, Amy called the managment office to report that the hottub needed to be filled. Before we could leave for breakfast, there was a knock on the door. The maintenance guy was there in 5 minutes. I was amazed to say the least. The only problem was that according to his records, that unit wasnt supposed to be occupied till Friday. After a chat on the phone with managment, it was decided (not by us) that we would be relocated to another unit. Now, I must say that Amy is pretty laid back and self controlled, but at this point she was livid. The maintenance guy was trying to give me keys and a map to the new cabin when Amy said "Tell him not to bother, we're going to the office." I knew the look in her eyes meant that someones head was gonna roll and didnt want it to be mine so I promptly did as told and away we went.
Our trip to the office was uneventful, or if it was, I didnt notice because I was keeping a low key appearance. We got there and asked to speak to the manager. The young lady replied that the manager was in a meeting and shouldnt be long. We decided to wait. 15 minutes isnt that long. After 3 cigarettes and an hour, I decided that it was time to go have a few words with someone. I stood in front of these two girls for a good 15 minutes, just staring at them. I found it funny that when we got there, the phones were dead and they were just chatting to each other.As soon as they figured out who we were and what we were doing there, the phones became incredibly busy. Another couple came in to register and one piped up with "can I help you?" I anounced that I was there first. They looked at each other and the younger one said "Hes just the guy... " Thats when I nterupted her and told her that it would be wise to interupt her managers meeting and inform her that she has one irate customer out here and one thats geting irate by the minute. Her eyes got real bigand she realized that we were bound to make her life hell till we got to see the manager.
The manager was out there almost before the girl got to her door to knock. I was on fire by this time. I turned to the girl who kept us waiting and said, "I didnt realize her meeting was with a Wendy's Tripple with cheese. Now up the ladder to the next level. The manager explained that the room had been double booked by mistake and that the first person to book got priority. She offered us a voucher for a free night on our next visit. That wasnt going to placate either myself or Amy, who had remained pretty quiet to this point. She told the manager that she would be satisfied (NOT happy, and I think she emphasized this well) if we could get another cabin for 2 nights with them eating the charges on the second night. I think that the manager was ready to give us a week free just to get us out of her office and agreed. She showed Amy pictures of the cabins that were available. She asked me if I wanted to look or if I could see from the back of her office. I told her that whatever Amy thought was good enough for me. Amy decided and off we go. On the way out, there was a couple enquiring about cabins and Ilet it slip that if there wasnt a cabin available, that they could rent a cardboard box and put it at the end of the street and that it would probably be a nicer vacation than staying with this group.
I guess thats about it for now, the story of the days events will have to wait till my fingers check back in, but Ill leave you with the mental image of naked raccoon battles and two grown adults scared out of their wits.

[DeckerEnt]

I am glad you had a normal weekend in gatlinburg.
Keith

[Silver Bullet]

Look on the bright side, at least you had good company! lol Customer service seems to be a lost art.

[PonymanfiveO]

damn we shoulda went.


sounds like a blast.

[dedpedal]

damn we shoulda went.


sounds like a blast.


Yea, we were dissapointed that you didnt. You missed out on the naked raccoon fight.

[bobtsgt]

wow sounds like it was fun. I can't believe some companies can "double book" rooms. I guess its too hard to put a name and date into a computer so that others will know not to book the room again on the same dates. Atleast you got a T shirt out of it :D

[dedpedal]

Part 2 The activities.

Theres just so much to do there that it boggles the mind. Of course we did the manditiry shopping and I wont put anyone through the pain of that. First thing on the adgenda was food. We ate at this place called Blaines. We were seated right away since its pretty dead this time of year and we settled into our booth and began the normal dinner chat. we compared menus and discussed what we were getting. I allways order second so I have a bit of extra time. When the waitress arrived to take our order Amy had made up her mind, but I was struggling like a kid in the penny candy store trying to make up my mind. She had ordered the filet mignon, which is one of her (our) favorites. I ordered the same to keep Amy from eating some of mine to see what a different steak was like. The waitress smiled approvingly and commented that we were going "allout"With the most seriously offended look I could muster, I said "No, this is pretty much normal for us" and of she went. She musta been flustered at this point because she screwed Amys baked potato up twice before getting it right. She asked why I wasnt getting a potato and I replied that I was watching my weight. She then proceeded to tell us how much she loves baked potatoes but they go right to her hips and she would be better off just sticking them in her pocket. As she walked away, I had to look. "Yep, looks like shes had plenty of them thar taters" I said to Amy. After a short spray of her drinking water, we decided to move to the next table because ours was not stable and kept rocking. Nothing pisses me off more than a dinner table that moves more than Ophras belly at a buffet line. We moved to the next table down and the waitress got lost with our dinner. She stood there for a few minutes staring at the empty table while we giggled about it. In fear of losing a hot steak, I called her to our table and the feast began.
On to Ripleys Museum. Amy hadnt been there in a few years and forgot all the goofy things that make you jump. I had a blast laughing everytime she got caught off guard. After that, we made the walk to the Aquarium. That in itself was the best attraction there We walked for awhile and looked at all the fish (what did you expect? We were gonna have sex in the broom closet?)
We got to the place where you can touch the hard shelled crabs ( I dont remember exactly, but I think it was a box crab) and I actualy got her to touch it. She was a bit sqqueamish about it to say the least. When we got to the sea ray tank, she tried her best to pet one but never could get the nerve. I have to admit I was a bit nervous myself but watching the little kids do it reenforced my manhood. I summoned up all the courage I could and put my hand in the water. Sure as it stinks, one came over to investigate. It hard to desribe what it felt like, but Ill try. Ever put your hand in a jar of mayo and smear it on your girlfrinds boobs? Yea, thats about what it felt like.
We spent about half an hour just watching them and me petting them as they came by. We had to watch for the little sharks they had in there too. It was cool that the rays would come right to the side and lift out of the water to be petted. Like big puppies of the pool. I could dig one hnging out in my swimming pool, but Iknow it wouldnt survive.
We left there and walked around for a bit, checking into stores and wasting time till we would go to the haunted mansion and Amy would excact her revenge for me laughing at her for being a wimp at the sea ray tank.
My fingers are getting sore so Ill sign off for now. Next up in the story of our mini vacation: The mansion, House of Mirrors (and all the nose prints) The motion ride and dinner at the Dixie Stampede.
Tootles!

[DeckerEnt]

:popcorn:

[NXcoupe]

Can't wait for part three of this miniseries. You sure know how to write, I could picture you saying and doing most of this stuff, except for the, well, ahem, you know. don't want that image in my mind.

[Mista Bone]

Only two thing I really hate about Gburg and PF, Beast is a prem. beer and the 10-11% sales tax.

Carts, Mini Golf, shopping, food.

Kev, you staying in town the whole time or gonna go up into the national park???? Newfound Gap road is a blast, but so is Clingman's Dome. Clingmans is likely closed for the winter......also the Roaring Fork Motor trail.

[dedpedal]

Only two thing I really hate about Gburg and PF, Beast is a prem. beer and the 10-11% sales tax.

Carts, Mini Golf, shopping, food.

Kev, you staying in town the whole time or gonna go up into the national park???? Newfound Gap road is a blast, but so is Clingman's Dome. Clingmans is likely closed for the winter......also the Roaring Fork Motor trail.


I know its a bit long but it is written in PAST tence, ergo, we allready did it and are home.
Stay tuned for part three.

[dedpedal]

I didnt expect to expound quite so much last time, so I had to break it down into multply posts.

First off was the motion movie ride. Now I know one of the main reasons most places limit time to 3 minutes. We were about 15 minutes into a 30 minute movie when the little kid next to me asked if I knew what he had for lunch. I said no and he showed me. Bacon, eggs, pancakes and some sort of jelly looking substance that may have been leftover from the previous nights dinner for breakfast and pizza, a hamburger (with pickles, lettuce and tomato), the remains of a large chocholate shake and frenchfries topped it off. The whole time, Im strapped into the seat and cant get loose so I get the plain joy of listening to him toss his cookies. How the hell do kids eat so damn much? The ride came to an end (not soon enough for me) and I looked for a dry place to walk. With no clear spots on the floor, I decided to climb over Amy's seat to the safety of dry ground. Apparently, my plan was somewhat flawed. I didnt take into count the fact that this little technicolor fountain also had a little brother who ate the same (although probably twice as much) as he did. Also I should note, that this little food flinger had even less resistance to motion sickness as his brother. Another pile of steaming vittles was placed right where I stepped down from the seat I had so carefuly climbed over. I had the smell somewhat stuck to my shoes the rest of the day. Oh, yea, the ride/movie was kinda cool too. Off to more shopping, a ride up Newfound Gap road and on to dinner at the famous Dixie Stampede.

I wasnt sure what to expect for damn near 80 washingtons, but never in my wildest dreams would I even imagine what was in store for us. First off was the preshow. A cumbersome quartet of country singers took the center stage and did their best not to blow the performance. I watched idley while eating some peanuts and popcorn that I washed down with a 3 dollar Mt Dew (in a sovineir cup no less) Youd think that for 80 beans they would at least keep the popcorn warm and the drinks cold. "We are trying for an authentic Civil War atmosphere" said the counter girl. OK, Im game, and just how much would a Mt Dew cost in 1864? OH YEA! IT WASNT INVENTED YET! So much for that. On to the main attraction. We get herded into the main room and seated according to our war preferance (north/south). We can now have all the drinks we want as long as its Pepsi, tea, coffee or water. I get a tea and a cup of coffee. I figure they had it back then and I can play along. The first course was a bowl of vegetable soup in a bowl no less. Amy was looking around for some utensils and the guy next to her asked if we would be getting any. Again with the authentic Civil War theme. I didnt know that the union soldiers were mostly female and that they were issued digital watches.
Next up is a potato wedge that could have been around in the 1800s. Meat was next, a whole chicken that looked more like someone shot a pidgeon outside and cooked it. I wouldnt eat it. A slice of pork so greasy that I comtemplated bringing it home to grease the ball joints on the GT was next, followed by corn on the cob that was actualy decent. An Arby's fruit pastry was desert. All the while, we are being entertained with horse riding, dancing and singing from the floor. I have to admit that the show was pretty decent, but the food was horrible.

The Haunted Mansion was pretty cool in itself. Im not one who likes to be scared. With that known, Amy insisted we go in. The things I do for love...
We walk through the haunted house, with me in front so Amy can laugh at me when I freak out. Im keeping as close an eye as I can on our six to be ready for someone to jump out and scare me out of my pants. (That sight in itself would be a leading attraction in there.) After one guy makes me jump, I say to Amy, " I hope nobody touches me or I might kick their ass" We hear this voice from above "Youll have a hard time kicking my ass from down there" We looked up and theres this kid suspended from the ceiling. I guess at a predetermined time, he starts decending to the floor. "I guess it wont be much now that Im down here" I had to laugh at this point.As we moved into the next room, I was watching for this guy to do something and forgot what was in front of me. Almost to the railing, I turned just in time for a corpse to pop up in front of me. Instinct took over and I morphed into KUNGFU KEVIN! I was low slung and ready to fight. Amy got her laugh and so did the kid trying to sneak up on us. I must say that after this episode, I thought it couldnt get any worse. Boy was I wrong about that. Coming up next: The house of mirrors, Wonder World and for the grande finale.... Naked Racoon Fighting!

[NXcoupe]

I had to wipe cola off my screen after that one. Nice, keep em coming. I thought my vacations were the only ones like this.

[bobtsgt]

hahaha I wish this was all video taped. this would make for a great movie " Kevin and Amy's big day out"

[Mr.Moontang]

You my friend are so not right. You should really think about writing a book...
My favorite line so far has to be: Instinct took over and I morphed into KUNGFU KEVIN!:lol:

[Jaylynn]

I'm enjoying this Kev.................

normally you reserve these long elaborate stories for potty-talk & I try to avoid those ; - )

:popcorn:

[VuNiT3]

You must teach me to do like you do Yoda.:lol:

[dedpedal]

The house of mirrors was kinda cool, that is if you like running into walls and getting disoriented to the point of nausea. I thought it was a good idea that they handed plastic gloves out at the door to prevent fingerprints on the mirrors. We entered through a side door and was imediatly accosted by multible images of ourselves. My first thought was to panic and run. That lasted all of about two steps. My head collided with a mirror that previously appeared to be a clear way to the next room. Finger prints? Hell, they need to be worried about snot rockets on the walls. I know I left a nice smear when my nose started bleeding. With my cold, it was hard to stifle the sneezes and I quickly caught on to telling where we had been and which way to go. I got to the point where I couldnt keep my head upright and began to notice alot of facial smears down low too. All were pointing the way to the next room and so on. If Tom Sawyer and Becky Thatcher had thought of this, they wouldnt have been lost in the cave and presumed dead. After wandering for about an hour, dinner made its way through my system and I blurted out that if we didnt get out of there soon, I was going to make a mess. Its funny how saying the right thing at the right time opens doors. we were magicaly motivated to the end of the attraction. I have to remember to try this at Kings Island in a long line and see if it works there too.

Off to Wonder Works. I didnt have a clue what to expect from this. The building was pretty cool from the outside, having been built to represent a building that had been turned upside down. The lobby was similarly done to look like the building fell out of the sky like that. I figured it would be pretty cool. There was alot of hands on stuff to do, but all the little snot shooters were hogging the fun. We had to settle for watching. We walked aimlessly around and checked out things like optical illusions and sound experiments. I was getting anxious to leave about that time and my posterior was ready to announce it. I did my best to hold it in, but you know how it goes. Youre gonna break wind at the worst possible moment in front of the largest crowd possible. I felt a rumbler coming on and tried my best to make my way to a corner to contain the smell of dinner. Of course, no dice there. There was simply too many people. It made its way out right at the time when everyone was listening to an announcement onthe PA system and the talker paused for a breath. Loud and proud. It sounded like a gunshot in a closed room. Breifly embarrassed, I made my way through the crowd which parted before me like the red sea did for Moses. In the next room, I took a deep breath and hurried on. I wasnt interested in anything wonderful anymore. I dont think a free shot at Linda Carters (she was the actress that played Wonder Woman you you younguns) boobs could have slowed me down at that point.
Ahh the car and the sfety of our cabin in the woods were close at hand.

Back at our little romantic patch of woods things began to ease. We settled in and started a game of pool while we got ready for the hottub. A few beers and a few games later, Amy stepped out on the deck to have a smoke while I attempted to shoot an easy shot (naturaly, I missed). She poked her head back in the door and told me that something was moving around outside and she wanted me to hear it so out the door I went. We only got a couple of steps from the door when there was a flurry of claws struggling for purchase on the hardwood deck and a thump that made the deck shake. Thats was all Amy needed. Shes seen about every scary movie that takes place in the woods. As I turned to ask her if she was ok, all I got was the view of her heading back towards the door. That was my cue to run, since I knew if she got the door closed, she was going to lock it and I would be out there on the deck with whatever made that sound. Normaly, I wouldnt be too concerned, but Ive seen enough tv shows about bears to know that they can rip a man apart in a short amount of time and the last thing I want is to be taken to the Hillbilly Emergincy Room wearing nothing but a smile. I downshifted a gear and ran for the door. I made it in and the two of us stood there looking out the windows to see what it was. Now that I think about it, that probably wasnt the sanest idea we had all weekend. I doubt a door would do much in the way of stopping a pissed off hungry bear (if indeed thats what was out there). We drank another beer and decided to call it a night. Downstairs in the bedroom, Amy hit the bed and fell asleep. I couldnt doze off so I watched tv with the volume down low as not to disturb Amy.I rapidly grew weary of climbing the stairs everytime I wanted a fresh beer so I grabbed a big pan out of the cupboard and filled it with beer and ice. Before bed, Amy had located a roll of duct tape and fashioned a crude spear by taping a butcher knife to the end and it was leaning against the wall on her side of the bed. I dont know if the beer gave me some dutch courage or if I summoned it up myself, but I was determined to get in the hottub before the sun rose. It was pretty private in our part of the woods so instead of getting my shorts wet and dragging them home that way, I just went to the tub in the buff. I grabbed my makeshift cooler, smokes and Amys spear from the side of the bed and headed out on the deck. I was doing fine there in the hottub, relaxing and enjoying the silence. I quickly ran out of beer so I figured that I would finnish and head inside to bed. This is the defining moment in a mans life. Fight of flee. As I got out of the tub, I heard a sound that reminded me of claws on wood and felt that same thump through the flooring on the deck. With a fresh smoke in the corner of my mouth, I picked up the pan I was using for a cooler and put it on my head and grabbed the spear. If I was going to get eaten, by golly, I was going to get eaten as myself and go down swinging. I crept to the end of the deck where it makes a turn around the corner of the cabin and waited silently. Then I heard it again, only it WAS JUST AROUND THE CORNER!!!. With a Tarzan jungle yell I rounded the corner with my spear ready only tocome face to face with our tormentor. It was a little baby raccoon. Not even a full year old, by my account. I think it was too freaked out at the site of me to even move. We just stared at each other for a moment. That moment came and went way too fast as the next thing I remember is a blood curdling howl and another thump that shook the deck. Apparently Mama Coon was sitting on the railing out of my sight and was coming to protect her baby. I had another defining moment in my life, crap my pants ( which is meant figurativly as obviously I had none on at the time) or run like hell. Do I need to elaborate on which one I choose? I was lowdown Jesse Owens strutting down the deck to the safety of the room when I realised I had locked the door and the key was on the hottub. Ever see a naked man do a cannonball into a hottub? Its aint pretty and I assume that Mama Coon hadnt seen anthing like it either because she just sat down and watched. After awhile, she must have gotten bored or hungry because she left and went back to the baby eating out of the garbage can. I smoked a few more cigarettes and crept back to the safety of the room.
I spent a few minutes setting up coon alarms in case one tried to get in by stacking all the empties up by the door. If they were smart enough to pick the lock and open the door, I would at least hear them. Eventualy, I nodded off to sleep and dreamt of small fury animals in a cave and groving with a pict.
I wonder how Im gonna do for a week in Belize?

[95redstang]

That is some funny shit...Your not right man...:lol:

[Mr.Moontang]

Damn thats funny, the thought of you being a naked spear chucker has scared me for life.

[bestracing]

That's one hell of an adventure! :lol:

[DeckerEnt]

Like I said before. Nothing like a weekend in Gatlinburg.
Keith

[R825OH]

Whew that was close hahahaha damn funny glad it wasn't me

[Mista Bone]

Kev, in the spirit of Vinny's coon/BRAKE cleaner story.......THANKS!!!!!!!!

You and Amy going to Belize???????

The Earth wobbles!

[VuNiT3]

:lol: :lol: That was awesome!! Good stuff:bigthumb

[NXcoupe]

Your fart scene is better than blazing saddles! Wiping my screen off once again...

[Holly]

Did you bring back any peanut butter fudge from the Fudge Factory in Gatlinburg? I love that stuff. Vinny and I went down at the end of October, I think I brought a pound of fudge home.

[Stangman]

Wow! a pound?!?!?! dang!

[Black Horse]

The problem is that the mental images you have bestowed upon us have once again burnt themselves into the back of my brain.......I am afraid to sleep for fear of dreaming ANY of these images.....

[Silver Bullet]

Did you bring back any peanut butter fudge from the Fudge Factory in Gatlinburg? I love that stuff. Vinny and I went down at the end of October, I think I brought a pound of fudge home.

LOL... It seems the fudge is the most important part for some people! Trust me I know...

[dedpedal]

I made some fudge, but refrained from adding it due to me geting like Craig and being PC. Ya fuggin wimp!

[7721Cobra]

Great story, nice Pink Floyd reference at the end.

[dedpedal]

Great story, nice Pink Floyd reference at the end.


SHHH dont tell the younguns, they think I made that up by myself. Umma Gumma?

[Foxxx5oh]

wow...just simply wow...Kevin, you did it again...now i gotta get the kids back to sleep cause i woke em up from laughin so hard...

[MrsAPE]

:rofl:
OMG...my sides hurt from laughing!! im am however glad i was able to read it all together. im not sure i could have handled the suspense of waiting for the next one!!

[dedpedal]

Youm suck and I, famous.

[aangel]

I didn't read your naked racoon and the follow-up mini-series... but dude, you need to write a book. Seriously. Go back and print some of this shit out and condense it into a best seller!

Did I ever tell you that your avitar disturbs me (that's okay, your stories make me spit beer out my nose holes...). :D

[dedpedal]

I didn't read your naked racoon and the follow-up mini-series... but dude, you need to write a book. Seriously. Go back and print some of this shit out and condense it into a best seller!

Did I ever tell you that your avitar disturbs me (that's okay, your stories make me spit beer out my nose holes...). :D
A best seller requires readers who will pay for the book. Whos gonna do that/"? The people on here who have allready read it? I dont think so. Consider yourself privlidged(punnished) to have the chance to read it.